C. S. Lewis ends his final book in Narnia with the phrase “further up and further in.” Though Lewis is talking about heavenly realities, I think the phrase is also true regarding marriage. Marriage is a signpost of our relationship with God and the union of God and his church. Though dimly, it can begin showing us the future glory of that union. As we have leaned into this truth in our marriage, it has shown itself in surprising places through the rhythms and routines that shape our life together. This is a journey we have been on and will continue on; one of progress, not perfection. Here are five areas in our marriage where we have seen God shaping us.
1. Grace & Forgiveness
One thing we established early, even before marriage, is that we wanted to have our relational foundation be grace and forgiveness. This refrain has been something we have come to need and been dependent upon as we have failed, sinned, and hurt one another. This has been and will continue to be an idea we rely upon, recognizing that we will continue to fail one another on this side of heaven. Those moments have allowed God to move in and through us. We recognize our continual need for the work of the Holy Spirit, forming us into the likeness of Jesus. It is this foundation that has allowed these other areas to grow, and maybe flourish.
2. Children & the Good Life
We have been blessed with the ability to have five children, ranging from ages twelve to two. As we have poured into their development, they have also shaped our character. We have grown to see them improving our lives and marriage in profound ways. An article written by Christopher Kaczor in First Things, titled “The Myth of Vampire Children,” said, “Having a child isn’t an ‘end’ to the good things of life; it is an ‘and’ to the good things of life.” Our lives may have been blessed before our children, but God blew the roof off by adding all five of these good, good gifts! We give a lot to raise these kids, and over time they’ve begun loving our loves. Our love of Jesus, reading, music, film, tennis, travel, good food, adventuring, hosting, and beyond. Rejecting the culture’s idea of children holding us back, we fully acknowledge God using our children to bring the two of us both closer to each other and closer to himself.
We fully recognize that not everyone reading this has children or children in the home, but there are children all around. We live in Colorado Springs, and each of our families lives 1,000 miles in the opposite direction, so the kids see the grandparents once or twice a year. As an unexpected gift, our neighbors are similar ages as our parents and have adopted our kids as their own, knowing birthdays, interests, giving gifts, and having engaging conversations. As we have reflected on this, we see ample opportunity in the church to reflect the gift of children. There are opportunities in the church and small groups, letting the little children come. Are they easy? No, but they are a gift and, in many ways, teach us more than we can teach them.
3. Feast of Goodness
Through our fifteen years of marriage, we have slowly tried to capture the idea of feasting on what is good and saturating our home and life with all of the goodness available to us. For example, we are both bibliophiles, but we also purge our books on a regular basis, only keeping those books that are worthy of a spot on our shelves. One used bookstore owner in Sante Fe once said to us (after we spent $150 on books), “I don’t carry dead wood.” Although eclectic, we are confident our bookshelves usher goodness into our hearts through rich, good books. We also intentionally lead slow lives. We have time to take in the joys, laughter, tears, and sorrow of human emotions. We have time to make a friend a meal, have another conversation, and sit a little longer. An art piece in our home’s entryway reminds us of a longing close to our hearts (inspired by a Switchfoot song). It reads, “Don’t close your eyes.” In our marriage, in our home, with our church, and in the daily flow of mundane days, we want to have our eyes open.
There, with eyes peeled to whatever God is up to, we can become worshipers. We can see what is good and continue to curate a lifestyle that paves the way for more.
4. Wholes, Not Parts
One thing that our time at Summit, and specifically my time as Director of Summit Semester, invited us into is seeing the world as a whole. Much of what we had experienced in Christianity was fragmented living, fragmented thinking, and lots of dichotomies. At Summit Semester, we lived life with thirty-five students and staff, moment by moment, day by day. This gave us the gift of living life holistically. We began seeing all of life as interconnected. We cannot separate our work life from our marriage. Our marriage is not a separate entity, a fringe relationship to pick up on the weekends or on an overdue date night. We do not have “serious spiritual time” and then get back to normal. Our whole selves, our whole lives, are called to be fully alive with God.
5. Being Led, Not Leading
We have seen a great power and gracious leading of the Holy Spirit in our marriage. It is not about our needs, desires, and wants. Rather, it is about how God is taking this union and molding it to reveal himself in new and different ways.
Marriage is not the end goal, but it points us to the marriage we are all longing for. One that is not marred by sin or selfishness, but one where we are fully united with Christ, in more wonderful intimacy than we can know on earth, where we are fully known and loved.
We can begin that journey now as we step into our marriage and see it as a signpost of what is to come. Even on this side of heaven, we can pray, “Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”
About the Authors
Dustin and Ruthann Jizmejian have been married for nearly 15 years. They enjoy immersing themselves with good stories, films or books, travel, and fantastic food. They have five children, Rafferty (12), Cosette (11), Briar (10), Trask (5), and Land (2). They homeschool their five children and call Colorado Springs their home.