Below are 10 frequently asked questions parents have about raising their kids to embrace their God-given identity. This material is from Dr. Jeff Myers and Dr. Kathy Koch, in their latest book, Raising Gender-Confident Kids. To read the entire book, click here!
- How do I help my child feel confident in their God-given gender?
Confidence comes from two words, “together” and “faith.” A confident child gathers strength from trusted individuals to believe what is true and live in a new way. So, be confident and trustworthy—and it’s okay if you don’t know everything. Admitting when you don’t (yet) can increase children’s trust in you. Express compassion for the struggles they face, communicate hope that this struggle will come to an end and they will be stronger for it, and teach them to see and apply the truth of God’s Word. The truth we want them to understand is that God intentionally made them the way He did on purpose, and it is beautiful.
Be available and love your children unconditionally so they listen to you and are influenced by you. Lots of others want to tell them how to live or influence them toward what is false. These people don’t know or love your children. God knows and loves them and will give them the strength to believe that they are not a mistake. Open the Word with them and let them hear you pray for them, including for courage to believe that they don’t need to reinvent themselves to fit in or feel safe, popular, or beautiful. Their body isn’t broken. Who they are—male or female—is part of their purpose, not something they need to figure out or fight for. You also could consider reading sections of this book to them.
- How can I model gender confidence as a parent?
As we’ve seen throughout this book, wise parents work to keep the lines of communication open by listening well, teaching God’s truth in a helpful way, and asking meaningful questions so you’re a source of security. Act on and talk about truths in the chapters about God’s design for boys and girls. Be honest about your own childhood struggles. Most children find it hard to believe that their parents, who seem decisive and strong, ever faced struggles. Say, “As I was growing up, I remember feeling out of place and wondering whether God really made me on purpose. It took me a long time, but I learned to trust God that He was working everything out for my good. Trusting Him and changing some of my attitudes was necessary. I’m grateful and I believe this will happen for you, too.”
- It seems like gender confidence is related to overall confidence in life. How can I help my child be secure in who God made them to be?
You’re right. Identity confidence gives rise to gender confidence. In Dr. Kathy’s book, Five to Thrive, she shows how children have core needs for security, identity, belonging, purpose, and competence. We encourage you to refer to chapter 3, where we share these in detail. Usually, when a child seems to be losing confidence, one or more of them needs to be strengthened. Remember that the order of the needs is significant. Therefore, you can strengthen a need by addressing it and the ones below and above it. Children will embrace more of life when they know and love God, trust Christ, believe that God has thoughtfully and wonderfully made them, including for a relationship with Himself, that life is an exciting exploration about the passions God has given us though which we can glorify Him, and that we’ve been designed to have a positive influence on those around us. Talk about and model these truths.
- At what age should I start talking to my child about gender?
How you talk about gender identity depends on what children are experiencing and their age and maturity level. You can use direct instruction, read and discuss biblically accurate children’s books, and use teachable moments.
It is usually appropriate to talk with elementary-age children about how God made boys and girls differently and how He wants them to grow up to be men and women who love Him and serve others.
For middle school children, it is important to tie discussions about gender identity into what you share about puberty. Explain that part of becoming a man or woman is going through physical changes. These changes are natural but may seem awkward to themselves and their peers. Middle school may be a good time to talk about what we’ve shared about becoming confident men and women.
God has made us on purpose and He wants us to trust Him and stand for what is true even when it’s hard
For most high-school-age children, identity questions shift from gender to wondering about what they’re good at and what they might want to do with their lives. Dr. Jeff’s book Truth Changes Everything shares about men and women whose belief in Jesus turned them into difference-makers in everything from medicine to education to science. This helps them see how God uses what they do to make a living to change the world for the better. This is also a good time to emphasize the different kinds of smarts we’ve included in the book, especially in the chapter about raising girls. (Dr. Kathy’s book, The Eight Great Smarts, will help you identify your children’s strengths and how to use them.) Also, pray for discernment so you’ll discover the kinds of things your children do that energize them, increase their joy, and help them accomplish good work. Also, help them learn how they work best with others.
At all ages, it’s important to emphasize that God has made us on purpose and He wants us to trust Him and stand for what is true even when it’s hard.
- What words or phrases should I avoid when discussing gender?
It is important to avoid language that makes gender seem like a spectrum, with extreme femininity on one end and extreme masculinity on the other. We don’t want girls assuming they should change their gender if their behavior appears to be more similar to boys than girls they know on a scale like this. The same is true for boys. Boys and girls each have their own spectrum, a variety of traits and interests, which is part of God’s design. Some boys are aggressive, others are quieter and thoughtful. Some girls are more tomboyish, others are drawn toward things that are very feminine. And, many are both! Dr. Kathy danced when she was young and loved the frilly costumes, got dirty and sweaty playing softball, and did well in honors math and science classes. Dr. Jeff didn’t enjoy organized sports but loved competing in speech and debate. He didn’t enjoy math but did enjoy playing the piano and singing. It’s important to root discussions of gender in God’s design and not stereotypes or “how we feel today.”
- How can I explain gender confusion to my child without introducing ideas they’re not ready for?
We can imagine a conversation about gender going like this: “At some point, everybody feels out of sorts, as if they don’t quite fit in the world. Some people get so confused that they think they may have even been born in the wrong body. Some girls think they are stuck in a boy’s body. Some boys think they are stuck in a girl’s body. Sometimes they try to comfort themselves by dressing up to look the way they think boys or girls look. It’s very sad and difficult and we need to be kind to them. But God makes everyone the way He wants them to be. He doesn’t make mistakes. He created you, loves you, and knows what’s best for you. He knows that sometimes you feel uncomfortable growing up, like you don’t fit in with others. That happened to me for a while. But the one thing you can be sure of is that God made boys and girls on purpose so they can work together to stand for what is right and be a blessing to others.”
- What do terms like ‘gender dysphoria’ or ‘non-binary’ and others related to this topic mean? How should I explain them to my children?
Older children may wonder about these terms, having heard them at school or in conversations with their peers. If so, you can explain them this way:
“It’s sad to think about, but a lot of people are disappointed in one or more parts of their lives. They feel sad for no reason, most of the time, try to figure out why, and want the disappointment and sadness to go away. Gender dysphoria means people are very stressed about being born a boy or girl. They don’t just not like it; they really don’t like it. They think about being born in the wrong body all the time and think if they change their body, they’ll be happy. This happens to very few people, but unfortunately a lot of people talk about it on the internet and on television and make people who aren’t comfortable with all parts of their bodies wonder whether they may have gender dysphoria. Some of these people call themselves non-binary, which means that they don’t think of themselves as a boy or a girl. This is very sad, too, because God designed boys and girls on purpose. Maybe they’re confused because they were bullied, something went wrong in their family, or they haven’t learned to trust that God knew what He was doing when He made them. We want to be kind to people who are having a hard time, just as we would be kind to someone who uses a wheelchair and has a hard time getting around, or someone who is teased to the point where it makes them sad and mad. I want you to know that God made you the way He did on purpose. He loves you and loves that you’re a boy or girl. Because He loves us, He wants us to grow strong through the challenges we face, so we live in a way that makes people want to know God and love Him. Always make sure to let me know if you have other questions about this or about how you feel.”
- How do other biological or developmental issues (hormonal imbalances, diet issues, neurodivergence, etc.) affect my child’s gender and identity formation?
There does not appear to be a relationship between hormonal imbalances and transgender. The relationship between diet and transgender is two-fold. People who gravitate toward transgenderism, as we’ve noted, nearly always experience comorbidities such as anxiety and depression. Eating disorders such as overeating or restrictive eating are related to these comorbidities. Also, medical intervention such as hormone therapy can have negative side effects of weight gain (along with other serious side effects, such as cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and osteoporosis). Research has credibly shown a link between transgender and autism. In some studies, transgender people were up to six times as likely as non-transgender people to report autism traits. No one knows exactly why, but it could be that individuals on the autism spectrum may latch on to the current popularity of transgenderism as a means of winning the social approval that they otherwise find difficult to obtain. It’s important to know that not all children on the spectrum will struggle with this.
- What should I say if my child says they feel like the opposite gender?
We respect that this can be a scary conversation. It is vital to not express shock or anger because you want your child to keep talking. This is why Dr. Kathy recommends that parents practice using their “stone face” at times like this. Thank them for confiding in you about something that is so difficult. Start by asking them to elaborate. You might find out they were teased, so they’re questioning their gender, but don’t feel like the opposite gender. Or maybe they read something on the internet, and they now assume they may have been born in the wrong body. The source of their confusion will direct your conversation. Be encouraged that nearly all children identify with their God-given gender by the time they reach the end of their teen years if there’s no social or medical transitioning.
Sometimes we don’t feel that the way we were made is right. You’re not crazy and you’re not alone
During this time, it is important to reinforce relationships with their same-gender parent and/or godly individuals of the same gender, remove negative influences as much as possible, and promote opportunities to form positive peer relationships. Also, cultivate conversation about all kinds of things the child enjoys rather than frequently focusing on gender discomfort. Throughout, the message is, “God created you the way He did on purpose. He thought you through and made you just the way He wants you to be, and it is good. Sometimes we don’t feel that the way we were made is right. You’re not crazy and you’re not alone. We’re going to focus on finding areas where you can excel and be a blessing to others. We’re going to believe you’ll be open to God changing your attitudes and beliefs to align with His”
- How can we love and support kids who are struggling with gender identity without affirming gender ideology?
It is never appropriate to tease or shun a person who is gender insecure. But it is also important not to be unduly influenced by them. While their transgender appearance is the most obvious thing about them, based on the way they look, dress, or act, transgender people are like all other people. They have hopes, dreams, and interests. They have other concerns and struggles. Find common ground on what you can. Talk about those things while you agree to disagree regarding whether changing gender is possible or good. Part of growing up in a diverse culture is learning to have compassion toward people without forfeiting your beliefs, caring for them without making them an object of pity or obsession, and respecting and standing up for your beliefs without quarreling.
Do you want to dive deeper into this subject? If you’re confused by today’s messages about gender and identity, you’re not alone, and we’re here to journey with you.
If you’re looking for a practical, biblically grounded resource that helps parents guide their children toward a positive understanding of their gender, check out Raising Gender-Confident Kids: Helping Kids Embrace Their God-Given Design by Dr. Jeff Myers and Dr. Kathy Koch. Also, be sure to check out Summit’s latest podcast, Upside-Down Parenting, where we explore what it looks like to raise your kids according to Jesus’ transformative, upside-down, countercultural way of life.