Season three opens with the main character, Isabelle (Belly) finishing her third year of college. Throughout college, she’s been in a relationship with Jeremiah. Then she learns that Jeremiah cheated on her with another girl during spring break. He apologizes, knowing how much he messed up, but Belly breaks up with him, and both are left heartbroken. After Belly’s brother has a near-death experience, she gets back together with Jeremiah and they decide to get married that summer.
When they tell Belly’s mom, Laurel, and Jeremiah’s dad, Adam, (neither of whom know about the breakup or the cheating) they are shocked and refuse to let them go through with the wedding. Laurel, who had been through a divorce, believes that Belly is throwing away her chance to experience life and discover who she could become by locking herself into marriage too early. At first, Belly believes that she can bring her mom around. However, after multiple attempts, and Laurel’s refusal to go wedding dress shopping with her daughter, Belly, deeply hurt by her mom’s response, cuts her out of her life. It isn’t until Laurel decides to go along with the wedding planning despite her disagreement that the relationship is reconciled.
Parents watching may wonder what the right response to a situation like this is. Christian parents often don’t have a negative response to getting married young because they see marriage as an opportunity for young people to grow together as they continue to mature. But there are countless other decisions their teenage and young adult children could make that they disagree with. What if a child decides to date someone who isn’t a Christian? What if they decide to join another religion or become an atheist? What if they believe they are transgender? In situations like these, the parents’ reaction could look quite similar to Laurel’s.
Parent Reactions
As much as teens and young adults may not like to admit it, they care deeply about what their parents think of them. So when they see a parent respond with an emotionally negative reaction to something they want, young people don’t like it. They might push back, argue, and try to convince their parents or stay silent in their disagreement. These two responses tend to result in the same thing: the kids shut down and stop sharing things with their parents.
As a parent, your reactions matter greatly. Nicholeen Peck, an author and speaker on parent-child relationships, explains that when parents react in an angry, aggressive manner, kids stop trusting them and start being afraid of them. They don’t feel understood or valued by their parents. Especially for older children, they may not even feel like their parents see them as their own person, but rather like an extension of themselves (the parents).
In tense situations when parents do disagree with their children, especially when it comes to the things that really matter, how else can they respond? Like Laurel, they can’t just agree and go along with their child’s decision. After all, parents have a God-given responsibility to raise their children in a God-honoring way.
Dr. Kathy Koch, who holds a doctorate in educational psychology and is the founder of Celebrate Kids, recommends that parents need to model the values and behaviors they want their children to have. If you want your child to not act on their baser impulses, as the parent, you need to show self-control first. Rather than reacting out of fear or anger, take a breath and show your child you respect them by asking them questions about how they came to the decision they’ve made. Seek to understand their perspective.
A Christian Way of Parenting
Seeking to understand your child’s perspective may sound very difficult in some situations. So, what can you do to respond well?
First, remember that you are not parenting alone. As a Christian, God has given you the Holy Spirit to help you do the things you cannot do alone. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (see Galatians 5:22-23). When you are at the end of your peace, patience, and gentleness, turn to God for more. When you don’t think you have the self-control to avoid having one more conversation that will end in disaster with your teen or young adult, remember the Spirit who lives within you. Practice turning to God for these things daily in both little and big ways and you will be amazed by God’s provision.
In addition to living in the Spirit, it is essential to have a supportive community. As Christians, we are meant to live in community (see Hebrews 10:24-25). Having friends or mentors who either are living through the same life stage or have lived through it is vital. Having a pastor you can go to for insight when you are at your wits’ end can help you settle your emotions and provide a clear path to move forward.
There are also online resources available to encourage you. Dr. Kathy Koch releases articles and podcasts daily, like this one about how to have family boundaries that can help you learn to navigate difficult situations. We at Summit Ministries created the Upside-Down Parenting Podcast to walk alongside you when parenting feels upside down. If you are worried about transgenderism and your child, we have created conversation starters and discussion guides to help you chart a course through that topic.
In the end, it is also important to remember that kids growing up and having different opinions from you is a part of the process. Jackie Chung, who portrays Belly’s mom in The Summer I Turned Pretty, noted in an interview that it’s “a part of parenting, right? You try to raise them so they can live on their own without you…You have to relent and give up some of that control, which is not always easy.” When your kids tell you they disagree with you, it’s never easy. There will be times when it feels impossible to balance your convictions with maintaining a relationship. But as long as you can keep the lines of communication open in the midst of that disagreement, it means they are hearing you. You are building trust with them so that when life inevitably hits hard, they turn to you.