Preparing Your Child for College (Without Losing Yourself) w/ Dr. Alisa Shanks | Ep. 51

Episode 51: Summary & Transcript

Disclaimer: Please note that this is an automatically generated transcript. Although the transcription is largely accurate, it may be incomplete or inaccurate in some cases due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.

Episode Summary

This episode features Dr. Alisa Shanks, a university counseling center director and mother. She explains how parents can prepare both themselves and their children for the bittersweet transition from “adult child” to adult-to-adult relationships by building resilience (rather than “snowplow parenting”), progressing through four parenting phases toward a consultant role, and staying meaningfully connected through prayer, emotional honesty, and supportive phrases like “Let me know if I can help.” Dr. Shanks also urges parents to help students develop practical and interpersonal skills, take ownership of their faith, and process their own grief and anxiety in healthy, Christ-centered ways.

Episode Transcript

Dr. Matt Jones (00:00):
Today’s conversation is for every parent stepping into that bittersweet season of launching a child into college. It’s a time filled with excitement and anticipation, but also a lot of questions. Have we prepared them well? Are they ready? And are we ready to let go?

Joining us today is a colleague of mine, Dr. Alisa Shanks, director of the College Counseling Center at Colorado Christian University, who brings decades of experience in student mental health along with the perspective of a mom herself. Today, we’re talking about what it really looks like to prepare your child, not just academically, but emotionally, spiritually, and practically for this major life transition. From building everyday life skills to helping your student take ownership of their faith and independence.

This episode is about learning how to release your child with confidence while staying meaningfully connected. If you’re in or approaching this season, we hope this conversation gives you clarity, encouragement, and a healthier vision for what comes next. Alisa, thanks for joining us today, and thanks for taking the time to be with us.

Dr. Alisa Shanks (01:06):
Yeah, I’m excited to be here and share some insight of my many, many years in university mental health.

Dr. Matt Jones (01:12):
Well, I appreciate you bringing in the many, many years because given your experience, how should parents think about seasons of change in their child’s life, especially one as big as leaving for college?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (01:23):
Yeah, this is a huge season of transition, and that’s true for the parents and for their child. On campus, we call them their student, but we’re talking to the parents today. So for you and your child, this is a huge season of transition. And for some people, it’s kind of what we call the one and done, right? You’re sending both your first and your last child all at once.

And it’s also so bittersweet that for some people, they have had maybe a rough last few years and they are ready for those children to be grown and flown. And for other people, you feel like your heart is walking out the door, possibly never to return. So I think having a lot of grace and mercy in this season that everyone is growing, everyone is changing. And we know that when we’re growing and changing, there’s a lot of room for friction and struggles. And so that’s why we’re here to talk about how to do it well.

Dr. Matt Jones (02:19):
Just out of curiosity, before Janelle jumps in, what do you think is the biggest source of friction that you’ve seen over your years?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (02:27):
What I tend to see are parents who just haven’t prepared their own hearts for shifting from adult child to adult-adult. And when I get to talk to the parents here at CCU, I definitely encourage them that this is a transition over time. It is not something that you need to have perfectly handled on day one that your child starts college or whatever. Maybe that’s trade school, maybe that’s just moving out.

You don’t have to have this handled perfectly by any means, but it is the beginning of a transition from adult child to adult to adult. And that is a major shift from all the parenting we’ve done prior.

Janel Greig (03:15):
That’s a great thought for us, especially, again, me, as I’m getting ready to step into that transition and that from parent to consultant a little bit. But for our parents that are listening, how can we thoughtfully be preparing our kids for independence? Giving them skills, confidence, and the resilience that they’re going to need, especially since so many are risk averse in this season without actually slipping into that temptation to want to control or remove every obstacle in their path.

Dr. Alisa Shanks (03:46):
Yeah. Removing every obstacle actually has the opposite effect from resilience building. So there’s a great blog, Kari Kampakis runs a Christian ministry for moms of daughters. And I’m a mom of sons, so I haven’t partaken of a ton of her materials, but she has a particular blog that says, “Prepare your child for the road, not the road for your child.” And what she’s referring to is what we are now calling snowplow parenting.

(04:16):
As opposed to helicopter parenting where you’re hovering, this is now snowplow parenting where some parents, and very well-meaning, right? The intention is good, the heart is good, but it is not the best practice. If you are out there clearing every obstacle, then your child doesn’t build their own sense of capability, their sense of mastery, an idea that they can meet difficult challenges head on.

Years and years ago, I worked at CU Boulder, which is about as liberal as Cal Berkeley. And when I was there, I worked there for 10 years and the Lord carried me through. But when I was there, I worked with a graduate student who came in and she said, “Dr. Shanks, I don’t have any coping skills.” And I was like, “Tell me more, sweet thing.” And she said she grew up in the era of all the participation trophies, and everything was just equal.

(05:12):
And everybody won, and everybody made the team. And so she literally made it all the way through to graduate school and had never built skills for what do you do when it’s not going your way? And how do you handle it if you aren’t picked for the team? Or those kinds of things.

So as parents, as we think about preparing our children and preparing ourselves, it’s giving your child that opportunity to build mastery, to have that “I did it” sensation, that sense of efficacy and ability to impact their environment. So even little things, right?

There’s a struggle sometimes whereas parents we can say, “Oh, okay, you got straight A’s. Well, that was expected.” And then if it doesn’t get celebrated because it was expected, then your child doesn’t get to internalize those mastery points. And so even when things are expected, great, you did your laundry, or whatever that is, celebrating the little things.

(06:13):
And you guys, in marriage and in parenting, just those gratitude moments, “Hey, I saw you. Thanks for emptying that dishwasher today.” Even if that’s part of their daily chore, it is never harmful to express gratitude in relationships. So helping your child build that sense of, “I can affect change in my world, and I have the strength and resilience to address and overcome hard things.” That is a gift to your child.

Janel Greig (06:46):
That’s great. I really, really appreciate that. I think it is for me as a parent too, and I think probably for our parent listeners, it is you want to protect your children, but you also want to prepare them well to step out into that. So that’s some great advice. Thank you. Absolutely.

Alisa, you talk about different phases of parenting. Could you unpack what those four stages are that you kind of talk about when you’re equipping parents and stepping into this conversation?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (07:13):
Absolutely. This comes from an article by Bob Hostetler, and he has a very poignant quote from that article. He says, “No words adequately describe the jumble of emotions a parent experiences driving away from a child’s freshman college dorm. It’s frightening on so many levels, but it is less frightening if the parent has successfully navigated the first three phases of parenting.” And what are those three phases? We’re going to get through all four actually.

So the first phase, if you think way back to the little bitties, that is actually a commander phase of parenting. So in that season, kind of toddler through pre-K, parents are serving as benevolent dictators. And the goal is to encourage growth from discipline to self-discipline. We want them to self-regulate. Phase two is the coach phase. So that’s really like the grade school era. And many people are out there coaching the little league, coaching the soccer, but you’re also coaching as a parent.

(08:14):
So you’re teaching and modeling hopefully healthy behavior. And you’re also helping your child move from direction where they’re just doing what you tell them to do to self-direction, where they are managing their impulses. They are managing their thoughts and urges and directing themselves in the right way.

When my older son, Braden, was in first grade, we noticed some real leadership in him, but I would drop him off every day and say, lead in the right direction because he was going to lead. That’s how God made him. But it was just a gentle encouragement to please be leading in the right way. So that’s that coach phase.

Then phase three is the counselor. And this is where you’re like later junior high through high school. This is a place where you are helping your teens take responsibility in their own decision-making. And this is where you are beginning as parents to offer suggestions, warn about consequences, and especially as we’re looking at junior year, senior year, letting your teenager decide as often as possible, and then encourage their growth from dependence to independence.

(09:29):
And so those are the first three stages, and they went so fast, let’s be clear. But that’s where we’re going. And then stage four is so different. It is an absolute shift. And so stage four is all about moving into a consultant role. And y’all, this one hurts, right? Because in that stage, parents must hope, pray, and I’m going to use the W word, wait. We are not good at that W word, at least in my lived experience and as a Christian psychologist.

So we must pray, hope, and wait. And so phase four is hugely difficult. And there are so many bumps in the road for phase four because it requires this level of letting go of launching. The key phrase is let me know if I can help.

(10:24):
So instead of giving clear direction, clear guidelines, like advice, this is much more you are moving towards that adult to adult parenting. And I know that I know that nobody has this done perfectly the day you drop your child off. And this is a season. It’s that bittersweet, Matt, like you talked about. And it’s also so rich. You are moving into an adult to adult space. But the let me know if I can help is a phrase that affirms availability while respecting independence.

And the goal here, which it’s been the goal all along, the goal is that your child becomes a healthy, functioning adult that loves Jesus and is contributing to society. So instead of jumping in to solve problems, you are acting as a consultant. And this one hurts. Your advice is only wanted when your child asks for it.

So that is, ooh, that one stings a little and we know that, but instead of jumping in, you have to pause and give them space to ask, let me know how I can help. This is that shift from adult child to adult to adult interaction. That’s great. Yeah, we know it’s hard not to teach your child as a teen when they’re moving into that emerging adult space.

Dr. Matt Jones (11:57):
Well, I appreciate the four Cs. It reminds me of growing up in a Southern Baptist church. So thank you for that. But that’s really insightful. And so for parents who are struggling to let go in this season, especially shifting from these other roles to consultants, what are some practical healthy ways to navigate that tension? Learning to give the child space and independence while staying meaningfully connected and supportive.

Dr. Alisa Shanks (12:25):
Yes. That meaningfully connected and supportive is so helpful. And some of the ways that we really trip ourselves up have to do with our own expectations. If your child is living in your home and commuting to college or community college, it’s going to be a totally different transition than if you are dropping them off somewhere and you’re going to be either around the corner or half a country away.

But I would say first and foremost, and I’m sure you support this beyond anything, is pray, pray, pray, pray. That from the moment this baby came to be, whether that was an adoption or your own birth or whatever, we have hopefully been bathing these children in prayer and it’s not time to stop. And I hope we never stop. I’m in my 50s and my parents are still bathing me in prayer, and for that I’m grateful.

(13:16):
So owning that this is a really hard season and talking about it with your child, taking responsibility around, I’m going to struggle with this, but can we struggle with it through it together? It’s kind of like people that have been riding a bike really smoothly, and then you’re going back to both of you on training wheels. So there’s a lot of. And then we take the training wheels off and the bike falls over. So it is a season.

(13:46):
So we want to bathe it in prayer and seek the support that you need. I hope that as parents, that your community is rich and deep and full. One of the things that running a college counseling center, I know a lot about how college students are struggling.

And one of the ways that they’re sometimes struggling is if their parents are leaning on them emotionally in ways that perhaps they should be leaning on other adult adults emotionally. So for these parents, preparing their heart for this bittersweet season, bathing it in prayer, and practicing this process of, let me know how I can help. I’m here if you need me. Those are key statements. You might need to write them across your mirror, put them up on some post-it notes.

And just remember right from the moment this baby came to be, it’s been the Lord’s hopefully rich blessing. And we also know there are some hard moments and this is one of those really, it can be a real friction-based season for parents and children as they move through this. Do you guys remember having anything like that as you moved into adult to adult with your parents?

Dr. Matt Jones (15:02):
I don’t know. I don’t know. My parents, they kind of became consultants whenever I hit high school. And so I think the one area, and I was going to make a joke about this, was learning to do laundry. Yeah, that was not a strength of mine.

In fact, the first time I called my mom when I went off to college was in November and we got on the phone because it cost money back then. Let me clarify. It cost me 31 cents a minute to call my mom. And so I made it from August until November. And she got on the phone and she said, “Don’t you ever wait four months to call me again and have you done your laundry?” I was like, “I’ve done laundry.” And she goes, “What about your sheets? You’ve got to clean those?”

Dr. Alisa Shanks (15:50):
You do.

Dr. Matt Jones (15:51):
So that was not one of my more stellar moments. I am curious, where do you see students most un- or under-prepared to go off to college?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (16:00):
Absolutely. I mean, they’re the basics like laundry, that the dish soap for the kitchen sink is not the same soap that goes in the dishwasher. You can ask the maintenance man around here. He’s dealt with flooding. Dishwasher soap and dish soap are not the same.

Dr. Matt Jones (16:17):
Yes. I have not heard that, Alisa. I have not heard that. That’s awesome.

Dr. Alisa Shanks (16:21):
You can go ask Matt and he will clarify. So yes, but I think also interpersonally, just sharing. I was talking to a student earlier today talking about how marriage is like a mirror to your own selfishness and also a very rich, rich space of growth and development. But having roommates is a precursor, which is also a mirror to your own selfishness because we just tend to really want what we want and expect other people to see the world the way that we do. And we have this really sinful, lovely nature that thinks we’re always right.

And so students can be ill-prepared in terms of managing money, going grocery shopping, washing those sheets, those kinds of things. But they can also really struggle in that interpersonal. How do I ask for things well? How do I say no to things well? I also really encourage our students, especially here at CCU, this campus is built for extroverts.

(17:23):
It just absolutely is. And so I really encourage students to know themselves around are you an introvert or an extrovert? What fills your tank? What drains your tank? And to advocate for yourself. We end up with a lot of clients here at the counseling center. And if we help them understand, oh, love, you are an introvert that’s been behaving as an extrovert and your tank is beyond empty right now, you have to learn to say no to things. And that is good advice for the parents too.

(17:58):
I’ve said this to my sons, practice telling yourself no. And as Christians, we have to tell ourselves no if we are attracted to somebody that is not our husband or wife. We have to tell ourselves no if we are spending outside our income or our means. We have to practice that kind of disciplined impulse control in a lot of areas.

And so for these students to build some healthy balanced assertiveness around like, hey, if somebody tends to be quite clean and perhaps their roommates are quite not clean, how to have a lovely discussion that is effective and clear. We sometimes teach what we call the assertiveness formula. And that is so simple. It says, when you blank, I feel blank and I would like you to blank. So let’s go dishes because I can’t even tell you how often we’re talking about roommates in dishes here in therapy.

(18:58):
And parents use this at home. So when you do your cooking and leave behind a sink full of dishes and then you’re gone all day, I feel disrespected, frustrated, grossed out, whatever. And I would like you to manage your dishes before you leave the apartment. So that is bonus points for the assertiveness formula. But some of that communication and those roommate dynamics are really important.

Janel Greig (19:28):
I think that’s a great draw. And I think, I don’t know if you guys are seeing this on campuses more and more than you used to, but I think what we’re seeing with the rising generation too is there’s so much social media. They can order their food to show up at the door without engaging with somebody. And so those interpersonal skills haven’t been practiced. So it’s an opportunity as parents, help your kids be practicing those skills.

Dr. Alisa Shanks (19:52):
Absolutely. And they fear conflict. Literally years and years ago, I was at a swim lesson and talking with a dad while our kids were learning how to swim. And he said as a business owner, one of the things that he was really struggling with was this experience where supervisors need to give feedback to their supervisees and business owners need to give feedback to their employees.

And this sense of terror and a near trauma response around receiving feedback if it’s not all sunshine and roses. We have to engage with our kids to teach them how to regulate so they can receive feedback and grow.

Janel Greig (20:35):
Yeah. Great thoughts. We can shift now to our speed round. We love to do this with our guests to learn a little bit about you. The only rule, Alisa, is that they have to be short answers. Are you ready?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (20:50):
Yes.

Janel Greig (20:51):
Okay. What’s your favorite go-to road trip snack?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (20:56):
Junior Mints.

Dr. Matt Jones (20:58):
My wife loves those.

Dr. Alisa Shanks (20:59):
Those are great.

Dr. Matt Jones (20:59):
Okay. All right. Favorite movie you can watch over and over?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (21:03):
Princess Bride, hands down.

Janel Greig (21:05):
Ah. Yes. Best parenting advice you’ve ever received?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (21:11):
Oh, one mouth, two ears. Listen twice as much as you speak.

Dr. Matt Jones (21:17):
Is that the best you’ve given also?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (21:19):
Probably not.

Dr. Matt Jones (21:20):
No, okay.

Dr. Alisa Shanks (21:20):
But this is the speed round.

Dr. Matt Jones (21:22):
Okay. All right. Okay. If your life had a theme song, what would it be?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (21:27):
My goodness. Something very joyful. That’s all I can tell you.

Dr. Matt Jones (21:31):
Okay.

Janel Greig (21:32):
That’s good.

Dr. Matt Jones (21:33):
Yes.

Janel Greig (21:34):
What’s your favorite way to unwind after a long day? And I’m sure you don’t have those very often, but…

Dr. Alisa Shanks (21:41):
Well, if we want to think self-care, I have a once a month massage. Lovely. It’s not after a long day, but that is part of how I take care of myself, is I can end up with a lot of stress and tension in my body given my role here and being a wife and a mother and a full-time employee on a college campus. So my once a month massage actually is tonight, so it’s lovely. Top of mind. Yes.

Dr. Matt Jones (22:07):
Well, hopefully we’ve increased your stress, so it’s going to be worth it tonight. Okay?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (22:10):
It’s always worth it, Matt.

Dr. Matt Jones (22:12):
Okay. All right, good. Favorite board game or family game?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (22:17):
Yes. Oh, let me think. There’s lots of good choices. Oh, I could see the packaging on the board. I would say the one we play the most in my house is probably Rummy Cube, but I like one called Snake Oil. I’ve never heard of that. Literally, you get words in your deck of cards, whoever the judge is, and you have to pitch a product. It might be a mortician, it might be a beauty queen. And so you have to grab the words out of your thing and create a mythical product. And it is a lot of fun. So we’re going to go snake oil on that.

Dr. Matt Jones (22:57):
Never heard that.

Dr. Alisa Shanks (22:58):
It’s on Amazon. It’s lots of fun. All right.

Dr. Matt Jones (23:00):
Janel, I’m thinking one more speed round question and then two more big questions.

Janel Greig (23:05):
I love it, Matt. I’m tracking with you.

Dr. Matt Jones (23:07):
All right.

Janel Greig (23:08):
For our last speed round question, let’s do, if your kids described you in three words, what would they say?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (23:14):
Oh, joyful, creative, and strong.

Dr. Matt Jones (23:21):
Oh, cool. Alisa, how can parents intentionally encourage their kids to take ownership of their faith during college? Moving from something they’ve inherited to something that’s personally chosen.

Dr. Alisa Shanks (23:33):
Yeah. This is a really powerful moment of, again, that letting go space where you want to encourage your child to find a church home. And maybe even if they’re in the same town you’re in, that they get to choose their own this time instead of keeping going to church with you all. So finding a church home, getting in the word, right? That God speaks through his word.

And I know in my own life, there have been times where my mom will ask me, “How’s your quiet time?” And sometimes that, I mean, even now she’s still asking, which is great. But somehow the way she asks on occasion has a side dish of guilt affiliated with it. So not doing it that way.

But just being interested and invested, having conversations, “Hey, how are you seeing God working in your life?” Or, “Is God feeling more distant or more absent right now?” And maybe even dialoguing with your child about seasons in your life if faith felt dry or more difficult and how you really just hunkered down and latched in and making space for them to ask questions.

(24:45):
One of the things our campus pastor Paul Faust does so well here at CCU is he talks about our God being the God of the wrestlers. That Israel literally means wrestles with God. And that it is actually important for your children to go through that season of who is God and what has he done for me? And to fully embrace the faith as their own and really invest there.

So it is, again, that bittersweet, that difficult letting go, but it is important for them to anchor in and move towards taking ownership of their faith and investing in their church, maybe joining a small group, finding ways to serve. And I also know that not every child that every parent who’s listening to this podcast has a child that is going to be going to a Christian school. And sometimes, I mean, I’ve been in both secular environments and Christian spaces.

(25:50):
Sometimes going to a secular school makes it easier to find the Christians and build that rich Christian community. Whereas being on a Christian campus, there can be just an assumption that everybody knows and loves the Lord. And we can all agree that that is not necessarily the case. So Christian higher ed is incredible.

And I know that some of the parents listening will have their children going to some bigger schools or just secular schools and finding that Christian community, whether it’s through fellowship of Christian athletes or crew or navigators or just a healthy, wonderful local church that has a thriving college ministry. There are ways and spaces. I think what’s important is to not be in a lone ranger Christianity space.

Our pastor actually has been spending the last several weeks after Easter talking about the importance of really participating in the body of Christ in a church and talking about the verse that says, “Do not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing.” I think that lone ranger Christianity is never what was intended in the New Testament. And just helping your child think about how to find a church home that is rich and growing and healthy.

Janel Greig (27:16):
It’s great. I love it. For our last question, Alisa, can you talk about for parents that maybe are anticipating anxiety or maybe they’re already feeling anxious in this next season, what does it look like for parents to feel those emotions, make space for them, release them to the Lord without them taking over or putting them on their children? And are there resources that you would recommend in this area for our listeners?

Dr. Alisa Shanks (27:40):
Absolutely. I have a couple of Christian books. One is called Release My Grip: Hope for a Parent’s Heart as Kids Leave the Nest and Learn How to Fly. That’s by Kami Gilmore. And then Leslie DeGraff or Groff, it’s got two A’s. Her book is called Empty Nest Full Heart: Seven Steps to Heal Grief, Rediscover Joy, and Reclaim Your Life After the Kids Leave. So those are a couple of resources. And I have a couple of just really rich, precious quotes. We talk about, there are two lasting bequests that we give to our children. One is roots and the other is wings.

(28:17):
And that is just right. They were never intended to stay in our nest permanently. And now for some kids, depending on their age and ability and whatnot, there are times where there are kids that just aren’t able to do that. But for our general folks, we want to do the roots and the wings. And it is this process of, like you said, feeling those feelings and making space for it’s okay to feel sad and disappointed and to grieve and to feel overwhelmed. This is a huge shift. And I think that’s true for moms and dads.

(28:57):
I think many times we over-focus on what this mean for the mom. And I think it’s super important to give our dads permission to feel too. Their babies are growing and flowing out. They’re flying. So grown and flown. But anchoring into Jesus and to his promises for us, John 10:10 says that the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come that they might have life and have it abundantly.

So when you need to feel the sadness, maybe also a little bit of relief, but what we want to make sure is that you feel what you need to feel and then release it instead of feeling something and then planting seeds of bitterness or discouragement or resentment. So feel it. Talk to your friends, your community, your Bible study members, et cetera.

Feel what you need to feel, but then let it go. Release it to the Lord and don’t root down into bitterness, discouragement, it, resentment, discontentment. Those are the fruit of the enemy. And so we want to be rich in the fruit of the spirit and not allow that enemy fruit to take root in our lives.

Janel Greig (30:13):
I love the biblical advice, pulling in scripture and then the practical additional supplemental resources that you offered our listeners. Dr. Alisa Shanks, thank you for joining us today on the Upside Down Parenting Podcast.

Dr. Alisa Shanks (30:27):
My pleasure. Thank you for having me.

Janel Greig (30:29):
Yes. As we wrap up today, this season of launching our children well is a journey, not a destination. It’s full of emotion, change, and growth, not just for our kids, but for us as parents too. Absolutely. And maybe the encouragement to hold onto is this. Our goal was never to control every outcome, but to prepare our kids for the road ahead. The wings, the wings that Dr. Alisa shared about, to trust that the values, faith, and resilience we’ve been building in them will carry forward, even as things look different from what they did at home.

So if you’re in that place of letting go, take a deep breath, parents, stay connected, keep praying, and remember your identity isn’t only in being a parent, it’s who you are in Christ. And that’s a steady foundation no matter what this next season holds. Thank you for joining us on the Upside Down Parenting. Thank you, Matt. Thank you, Alisa, again for joining us. We’ll see you next time.