How Dads Can Win Their Daughter’s Heart w/ Michelle Watson Canfield | Ep. 66

Episode 66: Summary & Transcript

Disclaimer: Please note that this is an automatically generated transcript. Although the transcription is largely accurate, it may be incomplete or inaccurate in some cases due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.

Episode Summary

Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield, licensed counselor and founder of the ABA Project, joins Upside Down Parenting to reveal why daughters need their dads’ intentional pursuit more than ever. Learn how to move past surface-level conversations, navigate emotional moments with confidence, and become the safe presence your daughter longs for through practical scripts and conversation starters.

Episode Transcript

Dr. Matt Jones (00:00):
What do daughters really need from their dads besides dinero? Money. And how can we help dads build strong lasting relationships with their daughters?

Today, we’re joined by Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield. Michelle is a licensed professional counselor, speaker, author, and founder of the ABA Project, where she spent years helping dads connect more deeply with their daughters. She’s also the author of Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters.

Michelle, we are super excited to have you on and to talk about how dads can build trust, pursue their daughters, and have the kinds of conversations that really do matter. Thanks for joining us today.

Michelle Watson Canfield (00:39):
I’m so excited to be with you, Matt and Janel. Thanks for having me.

Dr. Matt Jones (00:43):
Absolutely. So Michelle, if a dad is listening right now and he’s thinking, “My daughter seems fine. She knows I love her. We have a good relationship.” What might he be missing, if anything?

Michelle Watson Canfield (00:55):
Well, you know what? I have dads tell me, “I don’t know what I don’t know.” And sometimes dads make assumptions, “We’re close. We’re good.” And then I have these daughters that I’m either interacting with personally or in my counseling practice where daughters will have tears streaming down their cheeks going, “I just don’t feel like my dad knows me,” or “we’re not very close.” And what I want to say to you, dad, is you have different definitions of close, and if you don’t ask, you won’t know.

So let’s start out with a practical action step. Dad, why don’t you ask your daughter today, text her, ask her, “On a scale of zero to 10, how close would you say we are?” Part two, “Is that as close as you would like us to be? Number three, what can I do for us to be closer?” Got it? 0 to 10, how close are we? Are we as close as you want us to be? Number three, what can I do to be closer to you?

Dr. Matt Jones (01:47):
Already jumping into the practical, Janel. I don’t know if I will be able to keep up with this. This is great.

Janel Greig (01:51):
It’s great.

Dr. Matt Jones (01:52):
So what is it then that daughters uniquely need from their dads, Michelle?

Michelle Watson Canfield (01:57):
There are so many things and the research confirms the overriding themes, men, is that every area of your daughter’s life will be stronger and she will thrive more with a feeling of connection to you. Now think about that, a feeling. I’m going to ask you guys, this is a really hard one. Heart word or a head word? Matt, you get this one.

Dr. Matt Jones (02:19):
This is a heart word.

Michelle Watson Canfield (02:20):
Right. So are we surprised that the last verse of the Old Testament that God himself says, if the hearts, a feeling word, if the hearts of fathers, not the heads, if the hearts of fathers don’t turn to their children, he’ll come and strike them down with a curse. And we don’t have to look very far, do we, to see the impact of the curse?

Dad, you are a huge part of, I believe, spiritual warfare to stand in the gap, especially for your daughters. Because let me go back to your question, Matt. See, I know I do the circuitous route to get back to the question. That’s okay. Is that every area of your daughter’s life will thrive by a feeling of connection to you. Let me give you some examples. She will do better in school. She’ll have better academic performance, more likely to get higher grades and attend college.

(03:07):
She’ll have greater self-esteem by a feeling of connection to you, less depression, less anxiety, less body dissatisfaction, healthier weight. She will have healthier relationships with men, better athletic performance and outcomes. She’ll have more pro-social empathy. And you want to hear the one that dads love the most? Overriding, drum roll, get ready.

Dr. Matt Jones (03:31):
Man, absolutely.

Michelle Watson Canfield (03:32):
She will delay her sexual debut, which means less teenage pregnancies, STDs, unwanted births. Dad, by all because of a relationship with you, that’s why dads matter.

Janel Greig (03:44):
Yeah. Isn’t it sad what we see in society, the absence of so many fathers and the impact that that has? Just in that little snippet, that’s why you’re the dad whisperer, right, Michelle? Great, great thoughts.

When it comes to their daughters, for a lot of dads, a lot of dads would rather do nothing than risk doing the wrong thing. So why do you think dads can feel so intimidated or unsure in their relationship with their daughters? And does that, I’m sure it does, become more difficult as their daughters get older?

Michelle Watson Canfield (04:19):
Great question. So let me start with the first part of where you quoted. That’s an observation that I’ve made what I say now from 17 years of traveling from my planet of Venus over to Mars. So I’m bilingual now. I speak a little bit of Martian with my Venutian native tongue. And that’s an observation I’ve made is that men would often rather do nothing than do it wrong.

And you men are smart enough to go, “Man, she’s aging.” And the two things, to go back to your question, Janelle, is usually a daughter as she ages is more verbal and more emotional. Now, some of you men may say, “No, my daughter actually has stopped talking to me. What do you mean she’s more verbal?” But she’ll talk to her friends when she may not talk to you.

So still that verbal thing is a factor to consider even if it’s not with you, dad, which is why I’m all about dads having more conversations with you so that she can hear your insights, your stories, your words of wisdom.

(05:11):
But back to this question about what happens as dads then back off and are smart enough to say, “You know what? I’m making it worse. Here, mom, you go in.” And I have so many moms through the years that have said, “I’m exhausted. I need him to carry some of the weight of her needs as she grows up and I feel like I’m doing the heavy lifting.”

So at the end of the day, going back to those first stats, dad, is that even as your daughter is growing up and is more verbal and more emotional, she needs you more than she knows. And it’s vital that you know that she needs you even if she doesn’t know how to tell you that.

Janel Greig (05:48):
That’s good.

Dr. Matt Jones (05:49):
Yeah. It’s so important to just sit down and ask questions and that kind of sets up what I wanted to ask next. So let’s say a dad says, “All right, I get it. I’m listening, Michelle. I want to be more intentional.” But he just doesn’t genuinely know where to start. How does he move beyond, “How are you doing? How was your day?”

Michelle Watson Canfield (06:09):
Okay. The reason I love this question, Matt, is because again, tell me if I’m speaking Martian. You’re our token.

Dr. Matt Jones (06:15):
When you talk about Martian of Venus and Mars…

Michelle Watson Canfield (06:18):
Venus, men are from Mars.

Dr. Matt Jones (06:19):
For some of our younger listeners who, in fact, I was talking to one yesterday, she goes, “Sometimes Matt, your references are a little beyond my age.” So you want to tell them a little bit about Mars and Venus real quick, Michelle?

Michelle Watson Canfield (06:31):
Okay. So there was this guy named Dr. John Gray that wrote this book, yes, in the last century. I’m going to tell you guys honestly, I’ve never read the whole book, but I love that concept. And the other one that he says, men go in a cave to figure things out and don’t want women pulling them out of it. Those are my two takeaways.

But I thought at the end of the day, we do speak two different languages. I don’t care what you say. On the best of days, I don’t always speak in a way that men understand and men don’t speak in a way I understand as a daughter, as a wife, as stepping into the mothering role, because I got married at 60 for the first time, so lots of new roles.

But men, that isn’t to just try to put you in a box, but it’s to honor the fact that at times where you may say, “Everything I say seems to be wrong.”

(07:17):
“I can’t get it right.” I’m like, “Yeah, probably because you’re speaking in a tongue, a native tongue that you know.” So let’s just for a marker, men are from Mars, women are from Venus is the name of that book, that you’re from a different planet.

One time in the groups that I’ve led since 2010 for dads of daughters, I, one time had this guy named Andy go, “Are you kidding me? I’m not from Mars. I’m from Pluto. I’m even further out. I’m so lost. I have four sons and a youngest daughter and I just literally get the claws or the wall. I mean, it’s one or the other and I just can’t get it right.”

And so what I’ve loved is coming alongside men and saying, “Here, I’m going to give you some scripts.” And that’s what I have, especially in my second book. The first one is Dad, Here’s What I Really Need From You: A Guide for Connecting With a Daughter’s Heart.

(08:01):
I’m just holding that up for those of you that are looking. This is what that one looks like. Followed up with Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters, because this was born out of the work that I did with dads. It said, now that we’re done with the group, you gave us scripts to lead us in opening up conversations with our daughters. Now we don’t know what to say.

And I’m like, I’m going to give you 60 conversation starters so that you have the script in front of you. And then if your daughter hates the question, you roll me under the bus. I’m your fall guy.

Dr. Matt Jones (08:29):
There you go.

Michelle Watson Canfield (08:29):
So you can’t do it wrong.

Dr. Matt Jones (08:31):
What are a couple of ones that you’ve found in working with dads that have been kind of more effective?

Michelle Watson Canfield (08:36):
So I would say as a starting one, here’s a practical one just to start light and funny. Ask your daughter, what item of my clothing would you love to see me get rid of? Just let her make… Oh man, with my dad, you guys, it was the white socks pulled up his ankle and he would wear Kirkland jeans from Costco and I’m like, no more Kirklands. But if you can just have fun and let her make fun of you, that’s a great conversation starter.

Here’s another one. Tell me about your wedding day. What colors have you thought of? Where have you wanted it to be? What flowers would you like? What pictures? Show me, pull it up online. What would you like your dress to look like? And I remember you guys, one time I had this dad going, I just found out she wants to get married at a villa in France.

(09:25):
Who do you think’s going to be paying for that thing? But now let’s talk about some conversation starters that are even more vital to have, which would be, can you tell me anything I’ve ever said to you that has hurt your heart? Anything that I may not even know that I’ve said that’s made you feel worse about yourself? You can also say, do you remember any words I’ve spoken to you that have made you feel better about yourself?

So that you’re kind of checking out both sides of that conversation because sometimes we know that the one that’s been hurt may never say what was hurtful unless you initiate that. So I say, this is the day to make amends, Dad. Ask your daughter. If there’s nothing great, if there’s something to make amends for, do it today.

Janel Greig (10:10):
Great. I love that. And I love in your book too, Michelle, you not only give conversation starters to the dads, but you also provide some for the daughters too. And so what do you recommend in that setting?

Do you recommend, as a dad is reading, and we want them to read that book because it is a great resource, but reading with the daughter and saying, “Hey, now here’s an opportunity. Here’s some questions for you to ask me too.” What would you recommend to help build that relationship and have those conversations?

Michelle Watson Canfield (10:35):
So sometimes again, 13 to 30 is really my sweet spot when it gets a little bit harder for a lot of dads. And so we know that just developmentally that that is a key season of life where according to Erica Erickson, the social psychologist, it’s identity versus role confusion, meaning who am I and where do I fit?

So dad, just know if your daughter’s pulling away and listening more to her peers, that’s absolutely normal, but it doesn’t mean that you’re off the job and that you need to back up and say, “Well, whenever she’s ready, I’ll be here.” It’s about you intentionally pursuing her heart.

And so back to this idea of our culture that we live in, I hear from a lot of dads, “I can’t get her off her phone. Her head’s down. This is her whole world and I can’t compete with that.” And so dad, a way to say is, “What if we did a dad-daughter date, we leave our phones at home or we put them in our back pocket just for a selfie at the end and we could post that.

(11:34):
But dad, here’s what I want to just offer. I’m holding up my book, let’s talk.” So you come with humility and you say, “I don’t know what to say, but hey, here’s this Dr. Michelle. She claims to be an expert in father-daughter relationships. Let’s just try this. If you hate it, we don’t have to do it again. But I want you in the table of contents to pick the topic you want.” It’s either to laugh, love, look, lament, listen.

My husband says, “I think lament’s the most important section because sometimes there’s been hurts or wounds or things that dads have missed that they don’t know. I have so many daughters, you guys through the years say, I don’t want to disappoint my dad. I don’t want to hurt him by telling him something that hurt me.” So she holds it in. And we know that physically, if we have a wound, it affects our whole, not only mobility, but our whole health.

(12:22):
And so dad being able to access her heart, that’s why I start lighter on the laughter. But getting back into the further parts of the book, it ends with, lead her to listen. So if your daughter has her phone in her hand, I say, “Why not turn the book around, hand this phone?” Those listening, I’m just turning my book around going, go, “Here, honey, can you hold this book?”

And I want you to ask me questions because we know a lot of these younger generations, and this is no diss on teenagers or 20 somethings, I love that age, but it’s that sometimes they’re like, “We don’t know anymore how to do a lot of interpersonal. We just are stuck to our phones where everybody’s telling us what to say or think.” So this is a daughter maybe learning some skills she hasn’t had before, which would be…

(13:02):
I’m going to give you some examples of questions on lead her to listen. She says, “Dad, tell me something you learned the hard way that no one ever taught you. Dad, tell me something about your childhood that was your favorite toy. Tell me about your relationship with your dad or your mom.”

And she gets to ask you a question and then listen to your response in real time. Let her pick the restaurant or the place she wants to go. And that’s a way that I’ve seen dads really connect with their daughters.

Dr. Matt Jones (13:34):
That’s great. So let me ask you this. I was having lunch with my daughter a couple weeks ago and I said, hey, well, I asked her a question and she started to tear up. Whenever you ask questions that make your children cry, and it wasn’t a tough question or anything, but just it was bringing up, we as dads don’t always handle emotions well. What advice would you give in that situation?

Michelle Watson Canfield (13:57):
Okay. I’m going to actually put on my shrink hat. So I’m going to, counselor now for 30 years, professional counselor. I’m going to give you the exact words I say when I’m sitting in a counseling session. Do you want to hear what it is?

Dr. Matt Jones (14:09):
Sure.

Michelle Watson Canfield (14:10):
Tell me what your tears are saying. Just tell me what your tears are saying and then zip it. Because sometimes dads feel uncomfortable and then they want to fill it in with a lot of words. And then you may say, “I don’t know what to say. I would rather do nothing than do it wrong.” So you just sit there with awkward silence.

So a proactive strategy, men, is to just take a breath and say, “Tell me what your tears are saying and then wait.” You just wait and you hold that space because we live in a world, and I’m sure you guys will be able to bear witness, you talk about upside down parenting. We live in an upside down world where everyone is shouting. But I mean, I could almost just get teary right now just thinking of this is that nobody’s listening, but everyone’s shouting.

(14:57):
And men, you’ve got to know your daughter is longing to be heard by you, to be validated by you. And when you can say, “Tell me what your tears are saying, I’m just going to wait because I want to listen with everything in me.” You give her a gift, I guarantee she’ll never forget it.

Janel Greig (15:16):
I think that’s a great takeaway for moms too, for any of us really. Tell me what your tears are saying to our kiddos. I love that. Your shrink hat’s great, Michelle. That was great. I love it.

We’re going to move into just a fun little section that we like to do on the podcast, Michelle. It’s called the speed round. And this is just so we can get to know you a little bit more and our listeners can get some insight into the fun facts about you. The only rule for this section has to be a short answer. Okay?

Michelle Watson Canfield (15:48):
Okay. I’m ready.

Janel Greig (15:49):
Okay. First question, coffee or tea?

Michelle Watson Canfield (15:53):
Tea.

Dr. Matt Jones (15:55):
I’m not sure she could handle coffee based on what I’ve seen so far.

Janel Greig (15:58):
Great energy.

Michelle Watson Canfield (15:59):
There you go.

Dr. Matt Jones (16:00):
That’s great. All right. Early bird or night owl, Michelle?

Michelle Watson Canfield (16:03):
Oh my goodness. Night owl.

Dr. Matt Jones (16:05):
Night owl. Did that shift after getting married or did she stick with it?

Michelle Watson Canfield (16:08):
No, it shifted when I went to grad school and got my doctorate. So I’d work in the day and then was forced to stay up later and think through things. So I flip from morning to night, so there you go.

Dr. Matt Jones (16:17):
Okay. Got it.

Janel Greig (16:19):
Okay. Mountains or beach?

Michelle Watson Canfield (16:21):
Oh, beach.

Janel Greig (16:22):
There’s your Pacific Northwest blood, right?

Michelle Watson Canfield (16:24):
Come on. Yep. Give me Cannon Beach any day. I’m a happy girl.

Dr. Matt Jones (16:28):
What’s a totally useless skill you’re surprisingly good at?

Michelle Watson Canfield (16:32):
Oh my goodness, you guys. A useless skill. Oh my goodness. Where do I start? You guys, you’re like, speed round. Oh my goodness, you guys. What am I good at? I’m really good at organizing things that people don’t want organized.

Janel Greig (16:50):
That’s a great skill. I love it. How about, best book you’ve read recently?

Michelle Watson Canfield (16:55):
Oh my goodness. Okay, you’re going to laugh at this one. It’s called Men of Virtue by my friend, Dr. Zach Wagner. Subtitle is about something about shaping men with the fruit of the spirit in a modern world. And I told him, I think the invisible word is female, how a female is shaped by the fruit of the spirit. And it’s actually really shaped my responses, to be honest with you.

(17:15):
I’m going to be vulnerable here with my dad who’s 88. Sometimes as parents age, even as an adult daughter, I’m like, oh, it’s still a workout sometimes to feel like we can hear each other. So I’ve really been shaped by that reminder of Galatians 6:22-23. I want the fruit of the spirit to really take hold of me.

Dr. Matt Jones (17:33):
That’s great. So if you could have dinner with any… I think this would be the last one because there’s a few other questions we want to get to, but if you could have dinner with any historical figure besides Jesus, who would it be?

Michelle Watson Canfield (17:44):
Okay. I thought you were going to say modern and I was going to say Oprah, but now that you say historical, it shifts it for me. So I’m going to say, I think I would want to have dinner with Esther. I think Queen Esther. I would love to hear more about her life.

Janel Greig (18:00):
Yeah. Beautiful. Good answer.

Dr. Matt Jones (18:03):
You did great, Michelle.

Janel Greig (18:07):
Let’s get back to some wisdom for our listening fathers. The everyday conversations that dads are having with our daughters are one thing, the ins and outs, how are you? What struggles did you have? But eventually dads do have to talk with their daughters about some pretty difficult things, relationships, body image, anxiety, even things that they might be struggling with or are ashamed of.

How can a dad build a relationship where his daughter is feeling safe to actually bring him those things and maybe as least as awkward as possible? How would you recommend creating an environment for that?

Michelle Watson Canfield (18:45):
Well, the best place to start, dad, like you were saying just a little bit ago, Matt, is to ask more questions, and that’s why I have this book that’s just loaded with questions. Oftentimes we make assumptions, don’t we? We don’t come with curiosity. And so dad, if you’ve already made a determination about your daughter and you come and don’t ask her a question, I guarantee she’s not going to open up with you.

And so a really practical, I mean, we started with practical, is to just start a question with, “I’m wondering.” So if you start with, as Andy, with Megan who is 17, she’s skipping school all the time and he’s like, “Why aren’t you going to school today?” Closed wall. So he goes, “Okay, what do you got for me, doc?” I’m like, “Go put, ‘I’m wondering.’” And he starts with, “I’m wondering why you didn’t go to school today.”

(19:34):
Same question. “Why aren’t you going to school?” She goes, “Oh no, I actually went. We had an early release and that’s why I’m home.” I’m like, “Your tone changed. I guarantee it.” And she heard you asking her a question rather than interrogating her as an inquiry, like an interrogation where she feels attacked.

So dad, when you change your tone and say, “I’m wondering.” So you start by saying, “I’m not you. You need to listen. You need to buck up. You don’t ever take directions.” Flip it. There’s another counseling hat thing. You start with an I. I’m wondering if you could help me understand what I don’t know. Help me understand.

Another dad, brilliant guy, in the Alpha Project said, “Just tell me more. I know I don’t know what I don’t know. Can you help me understand? Do you know what everything about what I just said is?”

(20:25):
Humility. Dad, when you come as a know-it-all, your daughter goes, “You don’t know, and you don’t even know what I haven’t told you.” But anything you want to bring up about sex or anxiety or cutting or whatever it is, bullying, cyber bullying, is you start with, “Hon, could we have a conversation because I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but it just seems like lately you’ve been in a really hard spot,” which is another way of saying, “You’ve been crabby, you’ve been biting your brother’s head off, you’ve been moody, you’ve been isolating.”

You’re going, “It seems like you’ve been struggling. Can you help me understand what I don’t know? Because I care and I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do.” I mean, Janel, you’re a woman. You’ve been a teenager. I’ve been a teenager. How do you think that would sit with you? You have a senior in high school daughter. How would that sit if her dad came to her like that?

Janel Greig (21:15):
Oh, absolutely. It shuts it down. And I think, like you’re saying, I love that it’s a posture of curiosity and humility, right?

Michelle Watson Canfield (21:23):
Yeah.

Janel Greig (21:23):
And that is upside down to what our world tells us. The world society is saying talk at, don’t be present. I’m giving you advice. We’re not engaging. And so I think that’s beautiful advice, Michelle.

Michelle Watson Canfield (21:34):
I mean, let me ask you, Matt, what would you do? How would that apply for you as a dad now on that side of it with a daughter?

Dr. Matt Jones (21:41):
Well, yeah, I really appreciate what you’re saying because the humility actually comes out whenever you’re asking versus accusing. And a lot of times the accusing language comes out in you versus asking language that comes out in I. Early on in our marriage and raising our daughters, I think I was more accusatory than is ascatory a word?

Michelle Watson Canfield (22:04):
Let’s make it up.

Dr. Matt Jones (22:04):
Let’s make it one. And you can usually figure out what really the heart is behind it based on, many times, the pronoun that you’re using. And so it’s really fascinating. I’m just curious, just sometimes we’ll have stepdads listen. Are any of these principles shifting whenever we’re talking about them or is there additional insight for stepdads stepping into these situations, Michelle?

Michelle Watson Canfield (22:29):
Well, as a stepparent myself, grafted into a family, I think I just appreciate that you’re, first of all, asking that because it is really a tough role where you care about your stepdaughter, but you don’t want to step on biological dad’s toes. And so I think everything we’re saying applies to you as you come with a posture of humility.

I would say one of the things I’ve had to learn is you can’t take things personally because you’re like, “I don’t want to step and I don’t know where to step.” So that was a landmine. Didn’t know that was going to be one. Man, that feels really personal and it’s so easy to react instead of proact. So back to that thing about the fruit of the spirit, man, how do I have love, joy, patience? I have a dose of peace and gentleness, kindness. But I think at the end of the day, it’s just stepdads, you matter so much.

(23:14):
I could tell you so many stories of the powerful role of a stepparent that added, it’s like bookends or headphones on, that you get to reinforce the love of God as a father through you. And you don’t have to worry about what’s happening over there or what’s being said about you, even if you’re in a divorce situation and you’re a dad that feels like you can’t ever get it right because of what your ex-wife is saying about you. I know, here that’s upside down, isn’t it?

Parenting is how do you not take it personal? Know that that’s what happened to Jesus. They were going after him. And you’re just like, “I’m yoked to Jesus and I’ve got to be a true speaker even if I’m getting hurt in the process.” And don’t react to the reaction as best you can.

Janel Greig (23:56):
Yeah. Yeah. We’ll do one more question, I think, Michelle, before we close out. I think we could go for a long time with you. You’re just filled with great information. So we’ll hope our listeners will make sure we point them to your resources because you’ve got some great resources for them.

But as a wrap up question, for the dad who is listening and realizing, “Man, I do want to do this better. Maybe I’ve been distant or just not as intentional as I want to be.” What would you want him to hear and what’s one thing that he can do this week to start strengthening his relationship with his daughter?

Michelle Watson Canfield (24:31):
I would say a starting point, dad, if I could give you one piece of advice today, it would be three words, drop your anger. Dad, you’ve got to know that a lot of men that I’ve walked alongside for the last… I’ve been in private practice 30 years, but especially in the dad space, 17, and dads will say, “This isn’t me angry. You want to see me angry?” And she’s in a puddle and men are like, “I got a lot more where this came from. This is actually me restrained.”

Dad, you’ve got to look in the eyes of your daughter, and if she’s scared of you and she’s afraid of your response and your intensity, it’s on you to turn your heart first. You cannot say, “Well, she triggered me.” You got to go take a timeout as many… Remember when your kids were little, you gave them a three-minute timeout if they’re three? If you’re 50, you need a 50-minute timeout to go calm your brain.

Janel Greig (25:19):
I like that.

Michelle Watson Canfield (25:19):
Yes. Come back, you’ll never regret waiting. But dad, the drop your anger piece is so important, and I want you to hear from my heart to yours that when you’re angry, it shuts her down. It makes her give up and stop trying. It makes her internalize that she’s not worthy.

I know that isn’t at all what you would ever imagine she would take from that, but it’s so important that you choose to drop your anger. I know that isn’t how you want to respond, so you maybe got to do a deep dive into where that comes from. But at the end of the day, turn that around and say, “I’m going to control my anger.”

And if that’s something that’s been an issue for you, I would encourage that to be a conversation starter. I’ve got one in my book, but another one you could just start with to make it easy today is, “Have I ever hurt you with the words I’ve said, the anger I’ve had? I want to hear, and if you can’t tell me in person, write it down because I want to make amends. I want to make it right.”

Janel Greig (26:12):
That’s great advice, and great advice for healing and starting conversations. Michelle, thank you so much for joining Matt and I today. It’s been a pleasure. I think this conversation is such an important reminder that our kids don’t just need to know that we love them. They need us to actually intentionally pursue relationship with them.

And for dads especially, you don’t have to have all the right words or get every conversation right. What matters is actually showing up, being present, listening, asking good questions, and continuing to pursue your daughter’s heart.

For everyone listening who wants some help knowing where to start, we’ve referenced this a few times, but Michelle’s book is, her most recent book is Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters, and she’s showing it there again on the screen and we’ll put it in the notes. It’s filled with practical questions and activities designed to help dads get beyond the surface, learn more about their daughters, and build stronger relationships with them.

(27:08):
Michelle, thanks again for sharing your wisdom with us and the work that you’re doing to strengthen relationships between dads and daughters. We really appreciate you joining us today on Upside Down Parenting. Thank you.

Michelle Watson Canfield (27:19):
Thanks. Oh, I’ve loved being here with you, and I’ll just say too, you can go to drmichellewatson.com, and I’ve got lots of free resources just to equip dads to connect with their daughter’s hearts. It’s been a joy today with you.

Janel Greig (27:31):
Thank you, Michelle.