Christian Dating: A Biblical Guide for Parents Raising Teens | Ep. 50

Episode 50: Summary & Transcript

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Episode Summary

This episode of the Upside Down Parenting Podcast explores how Christian parents can intentionally disciple their children toward a biblical vision of relationships rather than simply reacting to dating as it arises. Hosts Matt and Janel discuss key parenting strategies including establishing maturity-based rather than age-based dating readiness, defining the purpose of dating within a biblical framework, and setting clear expectations for young people entering relationships. They also emphasize the importance of modeling healthy relationships through parental dating practices, teaching responsibility and respect, and helping children understand that dating should reflect biblical values rather than worldly standards.

Episode Transcript

Dr. Matt Jones (00:00):
Welcome to the Upside Down Parenting Podcast, where we explore raising kids to thrive in God’s upside down kingdom. Today, Janel, you and I are talking about a pretty controversial topic and how to approach it with clarity and purpose. I’m honestly a little nervous about it today, Janel. How are you feeling?

Janel Greig (00:19):
I’m really looking forward to it. I think this is going to be a great, very real episode for the seasons that we’re in.

Dr. Matt Jones (00:27):
Right. And the culture is loud regarding expectations and constantly shifting and many parents aren’t sure when or even how to approach this topic and what boundaries to set with their kids. But maybe the better question is this, are we simply reacting to dating the topic of the day as it shows up in our kids’ lives or are we intentionally discipling them toward a biblical vision of relationships?

We’ll also get into some of the big questions parents are asking. Should Christian parents say yes to dating? When should these conversations begin and how do you help your child navigate relationships, just following what the world or without just following what the world is doing? But in an upside down way, let’s jump into this controversial topic and I just got to start out by saying Summit Ministries does a great job engaging this topic. This is a topic that comes up in all of our sessions whenever we get together in either Manitou Springs or in this case, South Carolina this year.

(01:29):
And so the biggest question I get asked almost every year is what age comes up? What age do I get to start dating? What are your opinions on that? And I’m going to throw that out there to you first of all, Janel. Did you guys put an age limit on it or was there something else going on there?

Janel Greig (01:46):
I love that question, Matt, and I can’t wait to hear your answer.

Dr. Matt Jones (01:49):
Uh-oh.

Janel Greig (01:50):
So currently we have a 17-year-old, a 15-year-old and a 13-year-old. And so I think when we first started having conversations about dating and relationships, we said 16 to 18. I don’t think we put a specific age on it when we first started having the conversations.

And one of the things in our house when we first started having those conversations, it was very much around the topic of not necessarily just specific age, but what’s the purpose? We started there. What is the purpose of dating? So not a specific age, but definitely trying to lay the foundation in context for that. But what about you and Cat? Did you guys have a specific age with each kid or in general?

Dr. Matt Jones (02:33):
No, it was like this with a lot of things. It was, man, at what point maturity wise do we sense that you’re in a position to either do that or not? And so we kind of had conversations surrounding maturity level. And we currently have a 22 year old who is married, just got married back in March. And then we have a 20 year old son. Our oldest is a daughter and she’s married to a great young man.

And then my 20 year old, he’s a single male. He’s never dated and that may be a little bit more of my influence because I have some pretty high expectations for a guy before he goes into a dating relationship. And then my youngest, Kenzie, she is 18 and she started dating this young man whenever she was 17.

And so for us, it’s been more of a maturity issue than an age issue. And so that’s where our conversations began. And of course, if they showed an interest in a boy, and I’ll focus more on Hannah because we haven’t had a ton of experience with our son, it was more when that conversation came up. So I’m curious, Janel, when you hear the word dating in today’s culture, what concerns you most as a Christian parent or a couple of things that concern you?

Janel Greig (03:55):
Yeah. I think defining terms, right? What is dating? What is the purpose of dating? And it was interesting last week on the way home from school. We’re working through a chapel series at school right now on dating and relationships for our 7th through 12th graders. And so on the way home one day last weekend in the car, my daughter, who is 17, she’s a junior, she was talking about her small group. They were having a discussion on what the world says about dating, what social media says about dating, that it’s about being physical and identifying as you’re a couple.

And so I would say as a parent, and I kind of reiterated probably my concerns with what the world says about dating is the world says it’s about your identity as a couple and pressuring our young people to be in a quote unquote relationship too early.

(04:43):
What is the purpose of that? Are we setting them up? Are they looking for somebody that they might marry? Or do they have the same values, the same Christian focus on the Lord or is it just about hanging out and quote unquote getting to know someone? Is that part of dating?

So I think my concern as a parent is, is this framed within a biblical framework of what relationship should look like and what would be a biblical marriage someday? What about you, Matt? I guess concerns about what the world says dating is and should be?

Dr. Matt Jones (05:16):
Yeah. And whenever I think about this, our world is in a spot where we’ve come out of a sexual revolution where you just kind of do what you want with who you want at whatever age you want. And obviously that would be contrary to a biblical worldview. But on the other hand, I don’t know that we’ve developed a way to communicate well, here are the purposes in dating or even what is the goal.

And so I work with college students and it is amazing to me the number of them who really haven’t figured out what they believe and why about first of all being single, the value in that. Second of all, what it means to be in this dating relationship. How do we get there? What’s it mean to be engaged? And then of course, what are the purposes in marriage? And so while I’m concerned about the world’s perception, I’m not sure that we’ve done a great job encouraging and helping give insight in terms of what those mean.

(06:17):
And actually there’s a really good book on this by Ben Stuart called Single, Dating, Engaged, Married. Single, Dating, Engaged, Married. And it really is good. It gives practical, insightful things for not only parents to think about, but also kids. So that’s kind of where I’m at on this.

Janel Greig (06:42):
No, that’s great. I think I heard Cat mention that book when we had her on a while back.

Dr. Matt Jones (06:46):
Yeah, because we’re being asked to speak about that at some of the summer sessions. And she goes, “I really need to firm up some of those things because we’ve talked about these things before.” And really the book’s given her good language, not only to have conversation with students, but also even our kids in these different phases.

Janel Greig (07:05):
Yeah. Oh, that’s great.

Dr. Matt Jones (07:07):
And it’s so tenuous. Well, I’ll hold onto that question if we need it. Go ahead, Janel. Do you have a follow-up or anything?

Janel Greig (07:14):
Yeah, no, I’m curious, maybe a little bit another general question, and I think you alluded to this, Matt, but do you think most parents are reacting to dating when it shows up? And I would say that Christian parents, our listeners, or are they intentionally discipling their kids for that?

Dr. Matt Jones (07:32):
Yeah. Based on the conversations I have with quite a few students, not only at the college level, but also at Summit, they have so many questions that I really do wonder two things.

One, have the parents established the ability to process really anything with their kids? I think this is really important that there’s a foundation to where, listen, kids, you can ask whatever you want. And I don’t know that a lot of us as parents have said, “Here’s what we understand, here’s what we expect and prepared our kids for engaging in this extremely important relationship, whether it’s dating, whether it’s single, whether it’s engaged.”

And so this is a concern on my part, which is why we’ve kind of framed some things. I think every parent should prepare their son to say, listen, before you begin an official relationship with someone’s daughter, the son needs to call up and say, hey, I’m interested in dating your daughter. Are you good with that?

Janel Greig (08:45):
I think that’s fantastic. The intentionality there and again, that goes back to purpose, right? Yeah. It’s a relationship. You’re looking at developing a relationship. And I think I’m curious to know what you and Cat, if you framed the term dating with your kids when you’ve had these conversations, has the purpose of dating been to get to know somebody?

Because it’s one of the things we’ve been talking about in our house. Do we frame it with our kids? Because we have framed it that you get to know somebody as friends and then you enter into the dating relationship that is the purpose of not getting to know them and that. Of course, you get to know them better, but that’s you’re not going to date somebody if you don’t think there’s potential for marriage, which also is why in our house that dating age is later.

Dr. Matt Jones (09:30):
Yeah. Well, my wife and I, and if I’m not answering the question right, Janelle, just give me some insight here. But because of, I don’t know if this is the best word, because of the barriers we’ve set up, our kids have to be really intentional. So my wife has said she spent a little bit more time with Tyler in this in terms of, Tyler, here’s what I’m hoping you will do well in teams of treating a girl because she’s a girl. She has some great insight.

And I’ve worked with Tyler in terms of, listen, this is what I think you should do and pursue as being the guy in the relationship. On the other hand, our daughters have dated a couple guys and we essentially sit down after we’ve already had conversations about purpose and dating. We sit down and say, “All right, for you guys to be an official couple, you have to meet with the dad.”

(10:26):
We require that. And we can talk about those details there, but here in a moment, but I see a distinction between dating, getting to know someone and being a couple. While I know it’s under the same umbrella, I want to give them the freedom to get to know almost anybody. I mean, I think there should be some limitations there, like a 30-year-old shouldn’t be asking out my 17-year-old, but if there’s an interest in terms of that relationship, I think they should go on a few dates.

But then if they’re going to become an official couple, then we require that this young man has a conversation. How about you guys? How have you approached that particular concept with your kids?

Janel Greig (11:10):
Yeah, I love that. And I think for our listeners, this is great too, because there’s different methods in each home. Absolutely. But keeping the Lord at the focus, keeping what God calls us to in healthy relationships as the focus. I think in our house we have defined this is what this looks like and this is the stage. I think for us, one of the things, and Matt, you alluded to conversations, parents be having, make safe spaces, be having conversations with your kids, be intentional so that it’s not, “Oh, they’re 16. Now we better start talking about what dating and relationships look like.”

It’s from those young ages and maybe having the talk is a totally different episode. We don’t need to get into that. That’s a different talk, yeah. But that actually does play in because that is something that we were very intentional with our kids early on of talking about the differences between male and female and when they reached age appropriate understanding and comprehension, what is sex and what does that look like in the context of biblical sexuality?

(12:08):
Because that is ultimately if you’re in a relationship and a marriage, what it looks like. So I think it’s framing that and then teaching the kids to have healthy relationships. What are those boundaries? Yes. But then moving into what are the expectations, like you said, when they’re a couple. I think one of the concerns that I’ve always had for my kids is if they get into a quote unquote dating relationship too early, the physical temptations that come with that. So that’s part of the concern for boundaries.

But again, as parents, if we’re having those conversations with our kids and setting the framework with that larger biblical picture of what marriage and family looks like, it doesn’t feel like a one-off conversation when they suddenly are attracted to the opposite sex and want to date. Would you agree with that or have you guys handled that a little bit differently?

Dr. Matt Jones (13:03):
It’s dependent on the kid.

Janel Greig (13:04):
Yeah.

Dr. Matt Jones (13:05):
I mean, we’ve handled the genders differently. And again, Tyler’s not been in a relationship, but for some reason I do perceive my role as being a protector even greater when it comes to our daughters.

Janel Greig (13:18):
For sure.

Dr. Matt Jones (13:18):
And so I don’t know that it’s been consistent in terms of that. It’s been consistent with the daughters and I appreciate the intentionality that we want to start the conversation much sooner, but I look at if my younger children came home in kindergarten, first grade, second grade, they came home with crushes. I say, “Hey, let’s talk about that. Why do you like this little boy? Oh, you want to have him over for your birthday party? Let’s talk about that. Why?”

And so really looking at doors to have the discussion are key for us. That’s good. Yeah. I’m curious, in terms of this, what do you feel you should do if a non-Christian guy is interested in your daughter or your son is interested in a non-Christian girl? How do you guys handle that particular situation?

Janel Greig (14:17):
Nope. No, I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding. Okay. All right. I think we go back to biblical, right? We’re not going to do missional dating. I think that’s one where if your values are not aligned, what are you stepping into? But again, that’s not a, hey, and I say that jokingly, nope. It’s why you’re asking your kiddo questions. Why do you think it’s a good idea to enter into a relationship with this person? What does God’s word say about this? What is the purpose of dating someone in a relationship?

Matt, you talked a little bit about questions to ask if somebody wants to date your daughter, for example, and maybe it’s what you’re equipping your son with too, to take to the parent. I’m curious, how do you frame that? What are those questions that you’re going to ask or that you have asked as a dad or that you’re framing for him to go to the potential father of somebody he wants to date?

Dr. Matt Jones (15:12):
Yeah. Well, I want to go back to dating a non-believer.

Janel Greig (15:16):
Sorry, I jumped ahead.

Dr. Matt Jones (15:18):
No, that’s okay because I think you and I might disagree on this one. So finally, not that I’m looking for that, but I agree that we would teach our kids, “Hey, listen, you shouldn’t be dating in order to win this kid to Christ or whatnot. We don’t think that you should be dating a non-believer. However, there are components where at what point does the child need to make those decisions for themselves?”

And my oldest actually did date a non-believer and of course we had quite a few conversations with that. I actually did, and I’ll talk about those questions here in just a moment, but that we intentionally have for the young men that want to date our daughters, but it was actually helpful for her to realize in dating him and actually being a couple that she didn’t want to be in a relationship with a guy who is not a believer ever again.

(16:17):
And so you would hope that your kids would not have to learn those things experientially, but there’s also important times to say yes, because I would rather them explore that possibility under the guise and guidance of my home than whenever they go off to college and they realize there’s not that protection there. And so that’s something that we’ve thought about. And again, I don’t know that there’s a right or wrong on this. We do believe there’s a wrong in terms of, believers need to marry believers, right?

But it actually turned into a pretty incredible opportunity because this young man that she dated did not have a father figure at home. And we essentially sat down before they could officially become a couple and I walked them through three things.

I said, “Listen, I am extending the responsibility to a degree of you being a protector and a provider to a degree, you pay for dates, you show up on time, you be ready to go, you show respect.” And then I talk about you’re to protect her emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, socially, technologically and intellectually.

(17:28):
And we talk through what that means because they’re starting to get their eyes wider and wider like, “Oh my goodness, I don’t know what I’m getting into here.” And then the second thing is we say, “If you’re going to be a part of dating our family, or dating my daughter, you’re going to make our family better.” That’s the expectation. God’s made you a certain way. He’s given you gifts and we expect you to bring value to our family because you’re of value.

And then the third is if there’s conflict, let’s talk about it because there’s going to be conflicts. We got to learn to have conflict resolution skills. And what was interesting is my daughter was not happy about this first conversation with the guy and she let her mom know it. But what was fascinating is she told Kat, she goes, “Mom, I was really upset whenever dad initially did this, and yet the next day he changed how he treated me.”

(18:26):
And so she was like, “Oh, I don’t like this, but yet I see the value.” And what’s really fascinating is because the young man didn’t grow up with a dad in the home, he and I actually developed a really good relationship, so when they did break up, he went off to college. Guess who he called when he needed help his freshman year? I mean, I don’t know that I can pass that up, Janel.

Janel Greig (18:50):
Absolutely. No, totally agree.

Dr. Matt Jones (18:52):
And so here’s an unbelieving kid that we were able to have important relationships with. Hannah realized the lack of wisdom in this and yet there was value.

(19:01):
And the other thing too is we used to say, “Listen, we have three expectations and a warning. If you are addicted to or dealing with a struggle of pornography, you’re not ready to date anybody’s daughter.” And so we say, I don’t ask them whether or not they’re struggling with pornography. I don’t go down that road because we’re just really getting to know one another, but we just say, “Listen, there’s some greater issues here at hand.” And some of the guys walk away and some of them say, “Okay, there’s some things I need to grow in.” So those things.

Janel Greig (19:34):
If they are struggling with it. Right.

Dr. Matt Jones (19:35):
If they are struggling with it, and hopefully we’ve directed them to think about that. And so we’ve established these also as Tyler, you’re not going to ask anybody out until, first of all, you can pay for a date. I will say this, age-wise, if they’re not paying for the date, the men, the boys, then they’re not going on dates.

I think they need to have a job or earning some money so that they know the connection between, if I am going to work, this should cost me something because she is such a treasured gift that it needs to cost me something before I hang out with her. So any thoughts, responses, challenges on that, Janel, because I talked too long just then.

Janel Greig (20:21):
No, it was fantastic. And I think I agree with you. It’s got to be child to child and at some point it is their decision and we’re equipping them to step out into the world and they’re going to make those decisions on their own. I think that it comes back to, have the conversations with your kids, ask them questions, be talking with them, be intentional.

One of the things I’ve heard you share about before, Matt, that I love from an early age, you and Cat are showing through example and actually taking your kids out on dates. I think I remember hearing Cat talk about having Tyler order for her and open the door. Can you share with our listeners about that? Because I think that’s a beautiful example of equipping our kids and modeling from a young age.

Dr. Matt Jones (21:04):
Yeah, that was actually her idea. Not actually. This woman is great. Yes. She is brilliant. And that is one thing that she established early on was if he wanted to do something with his mom, he would. My wife would treat him as if they were going out on a mini date and not in an awkward weird way.

Janel Greig (21:28):
Right.

Dr. Matt Jones (21:28):
But she would say, “Tyler, you need to open the door for me. Tyler, you need to tell me how much I can spend.” He would come with a set of money. He would take care of, and I think this started like at eight or nine. And so I think there’s room for training our kids in these different ways.

I would take my daughters out on daddy-daughter dates, opening the door. “What would you like to do? I’ll order and pay. “And so the things that we want to see in what our kids should be looking for should be modeled by us. And if they don’t have that model, then it can be pretty discouraging for them to be able to recognize, here’s what it means to be treated with kindness and respect and here’s what it’s not.

So I’m curious, Janel, have you guys done stuff with your kids regarding preparing or even specific conversations you’ve had before the child starts dating?

Janel Greig (22:33):
With regards to what does a date look like or?

Dr. Matt Jones (22:36):
Right. What does a date look like with the kids?

Janel Greig (22:39):
Yeah. I think our kids, our youngest, is nowhere near being interested in girls and that’s fantastic. Our middle, I would say one of the things that he has realized is, you know what? I really only hang out with guys. And so we’ve had some conversations about just learning how to engage and have friendships with the opposite sex.

That’s not something, and I do think there is a generational component of how we’re living in this current season that kids when we were, well, maybe not for you, but for me when I was growing up, we would hang out with large groups of kids. We would go kind of do our own thing across the entire town with groups of people rather than, okay, doing everything online and my social interaction is limited. For our oldest daughter, she’s gone to dances and quote unquote dates on those, but they’re always with friends.

(23:34):
So it’s been, hey, this person’s your friend. Just build friendships and build friendships. Yeah. And start with that foundation because no matter what God does with a relationship, that friendship is the foundation for that. I think it’s so important. So important.

I think you talked about modeling with regards to Cat going on a date with Tyler, you going on quote unquote dates with the girls. I think in a marriage relationship, it’s so important for us to continue to model, and this shouldn’t be why we’re modeling it, but a healthy relationship, mom and dad going out on dates, spending time together. How do we interact with each other? It’s not about me and, what can I get from this relationship? Modeling for our kids that that relationship is about serving the other person.

Dr. Matt Jones (24:20):
Thanks for bringing that in. That is so important. So do I ask you how you and Christian’s dating life’s going?

Janel Greig (24:26):
Our dating life is great.

Dr. Matt Jones (24:28):
Okay.

Janel Greig (24:29):
Good. No, it’s hard. I don’t know for you and Cat and what it’s looked like for you. We try to be very intentional in that, okay, once a month we’re going to go out to dinner and spend time just one-on-one together because in this season of navigating activities. We joke our midweek service at church is our date too and we joke about that, but it is a date. What better way to spend time with your spouse than focused on the Lord? How have you and Cat been intentional with your dating rhythms?

Dr. Matt Jones (24:59):
This sounds terrible, but we intentionally chose a church that doesn’t have Wednesday night services.

Janel Greig (25:04):
That doesn’t sound terrible. That’s okay.

Dr. Matt Jones (25:07):
Well, sort of. But yeah, Wednesday night we have church once a month on Wednesday night. And so we go to that and it’s really, our church does a great job with that. But then the other three Wednesday nights are our date night. Love it. And sometimes they’re just at the house.

Janel Greig (25:24):
Oh, that’s great.

Dr. Matt Jones (25:25):
Sometimes they are going out. Sometimes it’s going to a movie. This Wednesday night we’ve got one plan because the next few Wednesday nights we’re not going to be able to have that. And so again, our kids seeing dad take mom out. Not my mom, but their mom. Take mom out, open the door, pay for the dates, talk about how much fun it is to be with your mom.

I just hear more bickering among and talking about couples and actually being excited about your couple. The only person I share that with is one person. We keep that to one person if I’m having an issue and I just say, “You know what? Guys, your mom is amazing and we look forward to dates.”

And so I don’t know. It’s just so important to model it and I appreciate you bringing that in and you say, “Well, how do you guys have time for all these things?” Listen, you make time for what’s a priority and I would just maybe encourage you to look at your phone settings and see how much time you’re setting, how much your phone says you average on that screen every day. And if it’s over an hour and 15 minutes, you’ve got time to spend time with your spouse. That would be my judgmental opinion there. So sorry about that.

Janel Greig (26:52):
That’s a great takeaway tip. I think we should call that a practical application tip. I’ll try. Matt, I know you have thoughts on two or three specific conversations every parent should have before their child starts dating. So maybe to wrap up our content today, this is a good tickler episode, but what are two or three conversations that you think every parent should be having before their kiddos start dating?

Dr. Matt Jones (27:15):
Yeah. I think first of all, purpose. I think what is the purpose in dating? And I really think the scripture doesn’t make clear what a biblical purpose of dating is, but it does make clear what the biblical purpose of marriage is. Agreed. Second of all, what are your responsibilities as the male and the female? What are your responsibilities to your family? What are your responsibilities to one another? And what are your responsibilities to God?

And then the third thing is, remember the future. I think many marriages are hurt, not without redemption, not without the possibility of restoration, but they don’t keep in mind, here’s who, I need to think of not just how I’ll interact with my future spouse and how that other person will interact with their future spouse depending on how we interact with one another, but also the call in Ephesians chapter five where the man will present.

(28:13):
His bride is holy and blameless. And I think we need to have relationships that understand the importance of holiness and blamelessness. And honestly, that was not part of our early conversation with our kids until we realized, wait a minute, there’s some things going on in our kids’ relationships that are not reflecting holiness and blamelessness. And we had to have a theology of that even though we were passive about that in the beginning.

So purpose, responsibility, and remembering the future are three things we want to make sure that we have those conversations about. Would you add or subtract anything to that, Janelle, as you close us out?

Janel Greig (28:51):
No, I love those three words, Matt. I think that’s fantastic for a takeaway and I think that’s staying in conversation with your kids. Parents, be intentional, help them process things, have conversations, help set them up with a biblical framework of what relationships look like. It’s not about self-serving like society often says. It’s about what is Godly? What does God want us to do in a relationship? So Matt, I really appreciate your thoughts today. It was fun kind of getting, well, yours too. Getting to bounce us back and forth. This was great.

Listeners, thanks for joining us today on the Upside Down Parenting Podcast. We hope today’s conversation helped you think about dating through a biblical lens and how to approach guiding your children to view and approach relationships in a biblical way. If today’s show was helpful for you, please be sure to share it with another parent who’s navigating this similar season and don’t forget to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast.

(29:50):
Until next time, keep looking for ways to guide your kiddos with wisdom, patience, and an upside down perspective that points them to Gord’s God’s kingdom. Thanks, Matt. Great to see you. See you next time.

Dr. Matt Jones (30:01):
Thanks, Janel. We’ll see you next time.