What words could be more jarring than hearing your child say, “I think I’m a different gender”? Christian parents face an ongoing battle against a secular and postmodern culture that seeks to turn the hearts of their children away from God.
As transgenderism continues to make strides towards acceptance around the world, parents are left wondering how to respond with truth and compassion. If your child has made a similar statement, you likely felt heartbroken, overwhelmed, or unsure of what to do next. Thankfully, there is a path forward that is grounded in biblical truth.
Stay Connected
If your child expresses confusion over his or her gender, make sure that you don’t shut down. Author and parenting expert Lori Wildenberg stresses the importance of keeping communication lines open, suggesting, “Ask them to tell you their story. Listen to their heart. Ask for permission to express your perspective or to advise your young adult.”1
Engaging your child with a willingness to listen is an essential first step to not “provoke your children to anger.” This prevents you from reacting with anger and causing frustration or shame (Ephesians 6:4). As Dr. Jeff Myers and Dr. Kathy Koch write in their book, Raising Gender-Confident Kids, “Be present. Put your phone down, be present and available, and talk with your children when they want to (as much as you can).”
Affirm Your Love for Them
If your child genuinely is confused about their gender identity and concerned enough to confess it to you, know they are doing so in the hopes that you will love them anyway. Loving your child never means agreeing on everything or supporting every decision they make. You can assure them of your love in moments like this without ignoring the problem. As a parent, you are the most significant influence on your child’s spiritual well-being and growth!
Loving your child never means agreeing on everything or supporting every decision they make.
Be Aware of the Possible Root Causes
What presents in your child as gender dysphoria—the sense that one’s biological sex doesn’t match his or her feeling of gender—rarely develops on its own. Often, it comes as a result of other events. Bullying at school, fighting or a recent divorce between parents at home, or the loss of a loved one can trigger intense confusion.
Focus on the Family notes, “A sudden and intense interest in ‘becoming a girl’ could simply be a way of escaping the pain or signaling some other facet of emotional connection or expression which is legitimately needed.”2 Reflect on the last few months. Has your child experienced any crises that might be contributing factors?
Maintain the Biblical Standard for Sex and Gender
The Bible is clear on human sexuality. “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27). This is not a sex assigned at birth but a design of God for men and women. If your child is confused on this issue, you may be tempted to allow him or her to experiment with pronouns and clothing choices to keep the peace. However, affirming a lie doesn’t foster peace and only leads to greater confusion.
When we show how God shapes our thoughts and desires, our children will learn to trust God’s Word over other people’s opinion.
God’s design for men and women will not change, and while we must speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), we must still speak the truth. In Raising Gender-Confident Kids, Dr. Jeff and Dr. Kathy explain, “When we show how God shapes our thoughts and desires, our children will learn to trust God’s Word over other people’s opinion.”
Seek Qualified Help
Gender dysphoria in children is a complex issue with many influencing factors. Although it can have many causes, it is ultimately a spiritual problem rooted in sin. You must make your child’s confusion a matter of prayer while also seeking the help that you need from pastors or Christian counselors. Make sure that you know what the counselor believes about transgenderism, sex assigned vs recognized at birth, and God’s power to heal our deepest wounds, however. You don’t want to entrust your child to the care of someone who will encourage his or her rejection of God’s design.
Although no parent will ever be prepared to hear their child share that they are a different gender, you must not lose hope. Gender confusion is a spiritual problem, and God has already solved the problem of sin by placing his Son on the cross. You can trust that God loves your child even more than you do, so his concern for their pain and confusion is even greater than your own. Rest in his ability to deliver them, and entrust them to his care.
Confused by today’s messages about gender and identity? You’re not alone—and your child’s future depends on what you do next.
Listen in to a critical livestream event with Dr. Jeff Myers (Summit Ministries) and Dr. Kathy Koch (Celebrate Kids Inc.) as they unpack how a biblical perspective offers life-giving, practical answers in a culture that’s spiraling into confusion. Click here to watch this free event!