Who doesn’t love a good Q&A podcast? Today, we’re excited to tackle some of the most pressing questions Christian parents are asking—questions about raising kids in a culture full of challenges, standing boldly for truth, and helping children live out God’s upside-down Kingdom. We’ll share practical tips, encouragement, and real-life strategies that you can put into action right away. Please email your questions at podcast@summit.org so we can answer them in future Q&As! So grab a cup of coffee, settle in, and let’s dive into the questions!
Episode 23: Summary & Transcript
Disclaimer: Please note that this is an automatically generated transcript. Although the transcription is largely accurate, it may be incomplete or inaccurate in some cases due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.
Episode Summary
In this episode, Matt and Janel conduct a question-and-answer session focused on challenges facing Christian parents. After sharing brief personal updates, they delve into several key topics. They discussed how to teach children biblical compassion in a culture that often redefines it, provided criteria for selecting a church that serves the whole family, and offered advice on how to respond when children express doubts about their faith. They also address parental anxiety over children’s spiritual growth and explore the importance of intentionally fostering positive sibling relationships.
Episode Transcript
Dr. Matt Jones (00:00):
Well, who doesn’t love a good Q and A podcast? Janel, today we’re on the Upside Down Parenting Podcast and the focus is going to be on question and answer. How do you feel about question and answer podcasts there, Janel?
Janel Greig (00:15):
I love Q and A podcasts. It’s always great to have some loaded questions, hear from listeners, but Matt, here’s a question for you. What’s been going on in your world?
Dr. Matt Jones (00:26):
Oh my. So many things. One thing was my birthday was recently and my future son-in-law actually made this picture frame and it is so well done and crafted. He sent me a note. I’m not going to show the picture because there was a special reason for the picture, but he was not in it, so I’m keeping the picture closed. But it was just really neat to have a future son-in-law who is as thoughtful and intentional and I wasn’t expecting anything from him for my birthday. So that was pretty neat. How about you? Anything new in your world?
Janel Greig (01:02):
Super thoughtful. We’re just getting excited, getting ramped up for the holidays, starting to think about maybe getting a tree and all that fun stuff that goes with that. Yeah.
Dr. Matt Jones (01:12):
Well, do you guys go and cut one down or do you buy it at a store or what do you do?
Janel Greig (01:20):
We kind of take the easy route and go somewhere that’s already cut it down for us and just walk through the rows and pick the one that is going to fit best. I always have really high hopes. I’m not a very spatial person, so I’m always requesting a ginormous one. And Christian, my husband’s like once you get that inside, it’s got to tone it down so we do a real trip. I love the smell. What about you guys? Are you artificial or are you live tree?
Dr. Matt Jones (01:46):
Yeah, we are artificial trees all the way. I’m too cheap to buy a tree every year. Yeah, yeah, it’s expensive and I don’t like cleaning up the needles. And we like to have our tree out. We have a tree basically after my birthday up all the way until about January 1st or second.
Janel Greig (02:07):
I love it.
Dr. Matt Jones (02:07):
And so it’s just, I like it to look green the whole time. But Christmas time, holidays, they’re such a gift. And hopefully around your dinner tables and meal tables, you guys will come up with some really good questions to talk about and maybe some questions we pose on the podcast that you can either agree with or disagree with or throw around the table.
And we want to tackle some interesting questions today, some pressing questions. Christians are asking questions about raising kids in a culture full of challenges, questions about how to stand bully for truth, and by the grace of God helping children live out God’s upside down kingdom. So today we hope to share some practical tips, some encouragement, and some real life strategies that you can put into action right away. So please email your questions to podcast@summit.org, that’s podcast@summit.org so we can answer them in future Q and A podcasts.
So if you like coffee, grab a cup of coffee, settle in and let’s dive into some questions. So let me start out one with you there, Janel. We hear a lot about teaching kids to be kind, empathetic, and compassionate, but in today’s culture, those values can sometimes be framed in ways that conflict with biblical truth. With that in mind, how do you think parents can teach empathy and compassion without compromising their faith?
Janel Greig (03:36):
I think that’s a great question and one that’s super relevant to the times that we’re living in. I think parents can absolutely teach genuine compassion and empathy to their children and should, those are biblical values that we should be stepping into as parents and encouraging the problem that’s raised. I would say where we’re at in society is that culture has redefined compassion. It’s often now, the most compassionate thing is just to affirm.
The last thing is actually telling the truth or pointing somebody to the truth because it’s not affirming. It can hurt their feelings. I think the phenomenon of gentle parenting that is up and coming, I think that it’s already here, is overemphasizing children’s emotions, treating kids that they’re not bad, they’re not sinful, not having boundaries and consequences because it might hurt their feelings. And those are all things that are not biblical empathy.
(04:34):
It’s not biblical compassion. It’s actually empathetic to teach or to discipline our children that brings the true Christ focus. And so I think there’s a couple ways that when I saw this was one of the questions, Christian and I were talking through it, my husband and I think there’s a couple practical ways in our family that we have looked to teach our kids biblical empathy and compassion.
And one of those is just that biblical order. That’s the first foundation we’re laying down that love God first and then you love your neighbors. And this is with our kids, just super practical is we’re going to be kind, we’re going to be respectful, we’re going to be faithful in our friendship to other people, but we’re not going to lie about God’s good design for things like male and female, true compassion once what God wants for them, even if it’s hard in a moment.
(05:26):
I think another super, super practical application is that balance of grace and truth and that we see that when there’s sin in the household, when maybe it’s sibling to sibling and it’s not rushing in and saying, I’m just going to validate your feelings. It’s all about that. Oh, they hurt you. You’re a victim. It’s acknowledging, I know you were hurt. I know you were angry. I know you were sad and maybe with the kids it’s, but hitting isn’t right. Hitting your sister isn’t right. We need to go make amends and reconcile, but there’s also consequences for that. So it’s balancing that empathy and truth. I think in our area, especially on our way to school, there’s people standing.
Dr. Matt Jones (06:10):
And when you’re talking about your area, you’re talking about being in Seattle, right?
Janel Greig (06:15):
Yes, you’re absolutely right. Yes, thanks, Matt. Almost every streetlight there is somebody asking for money with a sign, whether it’s a sign that says I’m a veteran, whether it’s a sign that says I’m homeless. And I think that is an opportunity with our kids for the times we’re living in to talk about practicing real compassion biblically, what are we called to do for people like that? But also the opportunity for critical thinking. What is the church called to do? What is the government called to do? What is the government not called to do? I think those are some opportunities to really enter into that biblical compassion and empathy.
And then the last one that I would throw in, we’ve got a list of great questions today, so I want to try and get to as many as we can, but disciplining our kids with empathy but not permissiveness empathizing with our kids what they’re going through. Yeah, I know you wanted something, but it’s not okay to steal that from your friend. It’s having those firm boundaries. Do you and Cat, have you experienced that very much, that difficulty with balancing compassion and empathy with your kiddos?
Dr. Matt Jones (07:20):
Well, one of my weaknesses is compassion because I just look at a lot of things that people say are happening or they’re complaining about, and I go, a lot of times you actually are the source or the problem.
(07:38):
And so what’s really cool in our family is, and I really appreciate Katy bringing this up, I agree with her total in our last episode, we’d encourage you guys to go back and listen to that. She was great. But most people are either grace oriented or truth oriented. And in our home, I’m truth oriented, my wife is grace oriented and that’s what makes it really cool for us to work together and talk through some of those things because we have noticed that she has to step in and say, Matt, what would it be to look?
Or what would it look like for you to demonstrate a little bit more compassion? But scripture makes it very clear we are supposed to mourn with those who mourn. We are supposed to bear the fruit of the spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, general faithfulness and self-control. But I think about Jesus. And there are times when Jesus, in love, hurt people’s feelings.
Janel Greig (08:33):
For sure.
Dr. Matt Jones (08:34):
And one of my favorite examples is after Jesus rises from the dead and he’s having that conversation with Peter and he asks him three times, Peter, do you love me? And Peter says, Lord, you know I do. But on that third time, whenever Jesus says, do you love me, it says in John, it says this grieved Peter.
And I just go, we’ve got to step back and realize that sometimes the most loving thing is to speak truth, is to hurt a person’s feelings, but make sure we’re doing it out of love, make sure we’re doing it with grace and truth. And there have been times whenever we have had to say, son or daughter, you need to step up here and this is misleading to your siblings or this. And I just have other stories of I just wish people would be unkind at so times if I have food in my teeth, just tell me.
Janel Greig (09:43):
Oh, absolutely. Yep.
Dr. Matt Jones (09:46):
And I’ve got a story about that. But we’re going to run out of time for these other more important questions, but it’s just like, tell me it’s not kind for me to walk around campus with food stuck between my teeth.
Janel Greig (09:58):
I’m with you on that. I’ll tell you, Matt, I’ll tell you.
Dr. Matt Jones (10:01):
Please, please.
Janel Greig (10:04):
Well, I have another question. I’ll throw this one at you. Okay. A Barna study from a few years ago found that 58% of highly engaged Christian parents choose a church with their kids in mind. I’m curious what you think about this and what advice church shopping is tricky, but what advice might you give parents looking for a church?
Dr. Matt Jones (10:26):
It’s a great question and I want to be careful, first of all to inform, to encourage. I’ll say it like this. I want to be careful that we are not encouraging a consumer mentality when it goes to church. When it goes to selecting a church. We need to be praying about that. And so if I come across that we’re looking for a consumer approach, that is not my intent here. However, I do think it is important to take into consideration the entire family whenever recognizing whether or not a church is displaying characteristics that are consistent with scripture. And then we’ll take into account other components.
So for example, I think about whenever my wife and I are trying to discern where we’re going to go, where we’re going to commit to what family we’re going to be a part of, because we consider the church and a church we go to right now that says we’re a family of families and we really love that. And Acts 2:42-47 is a descriptive passage that has some principles that we look for when it comes to recognizing the church that God might want us at. And so we say, all right, is this church, and I’d encourage you guys to read Acts 2:42-47.
Janel Greig (11:44):
Really good, Matt. Yeah.
Dr. Matt Jones (11:45):
Yeah. But first of all, is it a church that commits to prayer? Is it encouraging prayer? One of the things I love that our church does is elders and the pastors, every week they give the opportunity for you to write down prayer requests. And these pastors and elders actually read them and email you that you were prayed for that week. And of course we have other means, but it’s amazing.
Second of all, and this is not in any particular order, I probably should put this one first, but they’re preaching the word while there’s a time and a place for topical, the primary mode of communication is engaging passages verse by verse, word by word when appropriate. Third, this is a church that is not only reaching inward but is reaching outward. In other words, we are looking for opportunities for and encouraging opportunities for you all as followers of Jesus Christ to implement and use your spiritual gifts.
(12:37):
And we have avenues to do that, not only to minister to folks inside, but also outside in order to fulfill the great commission. Fourth is fellowship. I do think you need to find a place where you can connect and belong. And there are different churches with different emphases. I know of this church that is really built on a Harley Davidson bike, motorcycle ministry. I can’t even say it right because I’m just not interested in that.
But there are so many members there that fellowship wise may not be the best location for me. I have no interest in motorcycles and I wouldn’t be using my gifts as well because really they go out and ride often and that’s the way they reach a ton of people. And last but not least, it’s a place that praises God. I don’t think that has to be limited to music. So when those five things are in place, when those five things are in place, then I get to ask about some of those other questions. So we look for not an interdenominational, we look for an intergenerational church.
(13:49):
We think that’s extremely important for our children. We like to see all those generations getting along. We love it when the older folks come and invest. We want to know that this place cares. And the other thing too is we really want to make sure that I want to say it well here. We want to make sure that the church is not only reinforcing what we’re teaching at home, but also they don’t feel like it’s their responsibility to raise our children. They are responders.
And so I’ll take into consideration what our kids are interested in and not, but they’re not the center of where we go or what we decide. But if those other five things are in place, usually it’s a pretty good place for all those ages. Any thoughts or responses on that?
Janel Greig (14:43):
No, I think that’s great. As you’re listing those out, I’m actually going through thinking about our church home and we’re planet, and I’m like, check, check. Yes, absolutely. I think you nailed it. I think those are great. And I think the pullout of scripture too for identifying that is, of course, that’s the frame we should take. So great answer.
Dr. Matt Jones (15:02):
I just wanted to add that they don’t have to have them all displayed, but they are working towards it because some of these church plants that are really exciting out there, they may not have that intergenerational element, but they’re working on growing this fellowship. And so those are things that we try to keep in mind. Let me ask you, we all know that kids will have questions or even doubts about their faith at some point. It can feel intimidating as a parent, especially when the questions are challenging. How can parents respond in those moments when children struggle with their faith? And do we need to be experts in apologetics to guide them or even an expert in the Bible to guide them?
Janel Greig (15:46):
Yeah, I think that’s a great question and very real. And I think as parents, you just, humility, honesty, and a commitment to point them to Jesus. I think in our house we’ve definitely had those moments, and you probably have too, Matt, you and Cat, where with our own kids, it’s the stomach drops because the kids say, I’m not sure I believe in God. Our oldest, and I’ve talked about her before, she is such a literal, logical black and white thinker. There was a phase where we tried out that tooth fairy thing.
(16:18):
And when she was early, early, maybe three, she was able to write. Her note to the tooth fairy was, I want to see a picture of you. Please leave me a picture. And it’s this. She wants that evidence. And I would say her walk with the Lord has been very similar. She wants the visible evidence. And so she’s one that has struggled, maybe struggled, grappled, grappled with different questions about the evidence for God. So she’s one where certain components you learn to come around.
But I would say as a parent, it’s so important to encourage questions with our kids. So when they’re coming with their doubts and their questions, it’s not a shame, it’s not shaming them. And again, that’s biblical too. Jesus didn’t shame when there were questions he invited the questions in. But to provide an atmosphere where your kids feel safe to ask those questions and sometimes front load that as a parent and maybe ask the questions of them so that when they have the questions, they feel that they can bring them.
(17:15):
I think my husband would say one of the most powerful things, and he says it like that, and I think it’s true that what we can do is come alongside our kids if we don’t know the answer and say, I don’t know, let’s learn together. So when the kids are bringing questions, I don’t know, let’s figure this out together. I think if your kids are struggling, if they have questions, become a detective.
And I don’t know where I originally heard that. It might’ve been Natasha Crane a long time ago, but that’s one where if your kids are struggling, they’re having doubts, they’re saying things, we have to figure out what they’re really saying. Digging through those emotions and those feelings and the lack of filter that sometimes our kids have and seeing what’s wrong. Our middle, when he was probably five or six, it was, I don’t want to go to church.
(17:59):
I don’t like church, I don’t want to go. There was quite a front put up and it threw some conversation. It wasn’t that he was saying, I don’t want to go to church, I don’t like church. He was actually saying, I don’t like wearing buttons and jeans, because that’s what he wore to church. And so being a detective to see what’s actually going on there, it wasn’t an adversary to church or I don’t like my faith, I don’t want to step into this. It was something else.
So I would say as a parent, do some digging. Ask the right questions, get to the root of the problem, what is the doubt or the struggle that’s really going on? And then I think a component, yeah, we don’t have to be experts in apologetics because we can come alongside and learn with our kids, but as a parent, we should be equipping ourselves because we can’t pass on what we don’t possess front load with some intentional training as a parent, understand the basics of why we have good reason to believe that Christianity is true, knows what some of the basic objections are to Christianity.
(19:02):
So when your kids come with those, you can respond. I think those are just some practical things that in our house we’ve done. And it’s real just like for all of us, even as grownups, even as adults, we have questions and doubts. And so how are we going to walk along alongside our kids in those seasons?
Dr. Matt Jones (19:22):
Yeah, I really like, you can’t pass on what you don’t possess. I mean, that is so key. That’s great. Thank you for that reminder.
Janel Greig (19:32):
Yeah. How about I throw another Barna question at you. I’ve got another statistic here. Well, and Barna does a great job with their worldview inventory with Arizona Christian, it’s really interesting stats, but there’s another Barna study that says 73% of US parents are concerned about their children’s spiritual development. Matt, why do you think so many parents feel anxious about their kids’ spiritual growth and how can they move from worry to action?
Dr. Matt Jones (20:02):
Yeah, first of all, I’m grateful that 73% are acknowledging that they are concerned because if you’re not concerned, that makes me a little nervous because you may not be aware of what’s going on in the world around you. And I would suggest that we need to be so engaged with our kids that we can recognize, wait a minute, we need to be able to address those things. And why do I think there’s so many?
I’m just grateful that they are and that they are concerned about it. But I do think those parents that are engaged, recognize, man, there is not much going on in movies, in music, in books, just anything in culture, even at Christian schools that are reinforcing what we’re trying to teach them and what we’re trying to lead them with. So they really do have a good reason to feel some level of concern, anxiety, questioning.
(21:10):
And in terms of combating it, how can we move from worry to action is, I just first want to say, as a parent, do you know what you believe and why? And whether or not it corresponds to reality? And that’s where I would start. And then second of all, are you in the process of implementing and teaching those to the children that God has given you? So as a parent, do you know the truth? Do you model the truth? And are you teaching the truth?
So we would encourage you, listen, be equipped, use Summit resources, listen to this podcast, listen to some other parenting podcasts. And then as you recognize where your children are at as you’ve been engaged, go ahead and choose a growth area for your child. The issue of homosexuality came up at our house in a deep and meaningful way because some of the kids my children were interacting with, and we ended up doing a long study on that particular topic.
(22:17):
Our family loves music and we are of the mindset that we are to be in the world, but not of the world. And we were noticing my daughter singing some songs and thinking about some songs and imitating some songs that we were like, no, that’s really not what you should be pursuing and doing.
And so we actually went through a process where my daughter and I sat down and we said, all right, we’re going to pick a song and we’re going to evaluate it from a biblical worldview. And at first it really frustrated her, but then we started listening to these songs through a biblical worldview. And my daughter and I had great, great, great discussions to such a degree that she actually started looking forward to meeting and engaging. And so we were super grateful for that. We want our kids to be in the world, but not of the world.
(23:09):
And so we want them to be able to think about from a biblical world view what these messages that they’re hearing are communicating. And so look for ways to connect areas of their interest, things that they’re doing and say, hey, let’s look at this from a biblical worldview. They may not like it at first, but if you do it well, it can turn into some great discussions. And we actually had some phenomenal opportunities as a result of that.
So Janel, I’m going to ask you one more question as we’re running out of time here. There’s been some interesting research done on the sibling effect and how siblings greatly influence one another. And so the sibling effect, for those of us who are not familiar, examines birth order, ongoing twin studies, genetic encoding and behavioral traits, how emotional disorders can affect and be affected by sibling relationships, and much more. And so whenever we’re thinking about this, are there common pitfalls in sibling relationships that parents can often overlook but have lasting effects? Or how have you seen this play out with how your kids interact?
Janel Greig (24:19):
Yeah, it’s great. That’s great content. So I think the sibling effect I think is very real. I think as parents, if you’re parents and you have kids, you see that those relationships are impacting the kids in either a positive way or a negative way. I think it’s one where siblings can either act as role models, teachers, sources of support, or there can be that rivalry that has negative impacts, like a negative self-esteem.
I think some of the common pitfalls, and I know we have fallen prey to this, we try not to, but comparison favoritism you have even though subtle comments like why can’t you be more like your sister? But there’s also that balance of if you have a child that’s doing something really, really well and you want to call that out, there’s a difference in using a child as an example and then creating shame in another.
(25:14):
And so there’s a way to do that, and I think that it requires awareness as a parent. I think that role modeling that can come with that is really neat with the sibling effect because the youngers are typically going to model the older, whether that’s positive or negative. Another opportunity for that, at least in our family that we see, is that exposing heart conditions. Siblings are great for that effect. You’re real time. It’s that little bit of that laboratory environment. You’re testing things out and getting that ready for launching. Creating unity in a family instead of rivalry is so important because of the impact.
And in our family, we’re trying to create a unit, a family unit. I don’t know where we got this, but we have called our family team Greig from such an early on, and it’s just been, we’re a team, we’re in this together, we’re supporting one another, we’re coming alongside one another when the kids have frustrations with each other or interactions that it’s, we help guide that.
(26:23):
Sometimes you guys need to work that out and reconcile, talk to each other. God gave you each other for a reason, and you’re blessed actually to have a sibling. So work it out. And sometimes they can do that on their own. Sometimes they do need us to step in, but that’s that unity that comes. And we do a lot of board games as a family. We’re a board gaming family. That helps bring that unity around the table. I think hiking, getting out and exploring as a family, road trips, those are adventures that you gain experience from navigating with one another.
So those are some of the things in our home that we’re doing to really foster that positive sibling effect. And you’re a little ahead of us in the book, but I hope and pray that our kids when they’re out of the house, that they’ll look to find opportunities to come together with each other without us around because it’s been a positive relationship. But what do you think, Matt? What’s one way you guys foster that?
Dr. Matt Jones (27:24):
Well, I would just say in our culture, and I’ve actually had students say this, that we grew up in a house where there was a belief that it’s okay that siblings don’t get along. And I’m just like, that doesn’t seem to correspond to what scripture says in terms of when we look at Ephesians. Ephesians says, we as a body of believers, and that goes church, but also in the home with Ephesians 5, it says, unity in the home is possible.
And so we said, listen, even though our culture says it’s all right for siblings to fight with one another and not resolve it and just ignore it until either somebody blows up or you just eventually ignore it, we say, no, we need to deal with those things. And it is possible for you to not only love your siblings, but get along with them. And we’ve said, we’re family and it’s not an option not to ultimately not get along. I shouldn’t use that double negative there, but we say we are going to figure that out.
And one of the things that we do, I love that you guys have team Greig. We have a family number. This is our number. So we’re Jones 22. And so that doesn’t include just the five of us. It includes the entire 17 that’s in our family.
Janel Greig (28:48):
Got it.
Dr. Matt Jones (28:48):
But instead of team Greig, it’s team 22. And so that’s just been a really, really neat form of connection for us. Thank you for asking. I love that.
Janel Greig (28:58):
Yeah, no, that’s great. You think we have time for one more, Matt?
Dr. Matt Jones (29:02):
That’s up to you. I’m looking at the time we actually had somebody say, hey, we like Matt and Janel’s podcast because it’s only about 20 to 25 minutes, so I’ll leave that up to you.
Janel Greig (29:12):
Alright, well maybe we’ll close this out and we’ll save some Q and As for another episode so that we can jump off on that.
Dr. Matt Jones (29:19):
Sounds good.
Janel Greig (29:20):
Well, listeners, that is a wrap for today’s Q and A episode of Upside Down Parenting Podcast. Remember, raising kids in God’s upside down kingdom isn’t about perfection, it’s about small intentional steps, modeling, love, humility, and truth in a world that often celebrates the opposite. We hope answers gave you practical tips and encouragement to step boldly into your role as a parent and influence the next generation.
Don’t forget, email your questions to us@podcastatsummit.org. In the subject line, please include Upside Down Parenting so we know that you’re submitting a question for the show. And we look forward to receiving those and answering them on future episodes.
Thank you so much for tuning in. Thanks for your time, Matt, and we’ll see you next time.