Parents put a great deal of effort into keeping kids physically safe—from infant car seats and safety locks to swimming lessons and driver’s ed. But are we equally diligent about protecting them from online harms that aren’t so quick to heal? Perhaps we’re too trusting—not of our children, but of the forces working against them on the Internet. The Internet is not a neutral or safe place. Ravenous wolves lurk there, representing a multibillion-dollar pornography industry that wants to sink its teeth into our children and get them hooked.
The Dangers of Pornography
Pornography distorts the way we think about people—they become objects for our use—and about sex—it becomes a means of self-gratification. It takes God’s beautiful gift for married men and women and twists it into something vulgar. Like the forbidden fruit, pornography’s enticing lies appeal to the “desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life” (1 John 2:16). The powerful brain–body response it triggers can make it addictive, leading users toward increasingly extreme and degrading content.
Accidental exposure to online pornography–common for boys and girls— often happens at a young age. Among teens surveyed, 15 percent reported first seeing online pornography at age 10 or younger, while the average age of first exposure was 12. A few wrong clicks can take an innocent search straight to a racy lingerie store or pornographic website. That’s all it takes to spark curiosity, especially when a child is unprepared. Algorithms then work to keep them engaged, inviting them to view more.
Principles For Protection
Assuming our children will encounter pornography online, what can we do to protect them? Here are five principles to start practicing today as you disciple your children in our “crooked and twisted generation” (see Philippians 2:15):
1. Engage in Regular Talks
We can’t look away and pretend those wolves aren’t coming for our children. Yet if we’re honest, many Christian parents are tempted to do just that because the topic is uncomfortable. Some parents fear that talking about pornography might awaken curiosity and cause their children to stumble. In truth, one of the best ways to protect them is to have frequent, open conversations about it.
In the past, it was common to wait until puberty to have “the talk.” Instead, engage in many age-appropriate conversations with your children throughout their years, and start early. The world eagerly promotes its distorted message about bodies and sex to children of all ages. If we want to inform our children’s ideas about their bodies, sex, and pornography, we have to begin teaching them while they’re very young.
Numerous age-appropriate resources written by and for Christian families can help guide you through these conversations. Look for resources, review them, and choose those that best fit your family. Read books with your children that explain God’s good design for our bodies and his gift of sex for husbands and wives.
Teaching them the Truth will help them recognize what goes against God’s design.
Help your children understand it’s safe and natural to discuss these things openly within your family.
Openly discuss pornography in age-appropriate ways, with the information and details they need. For example, younger children should be able to name body parts. Explain that we’re to respect those parts by not showing them to other people, including in pictures. They can learn the word pornography in this most basic sense. As they grow older, teach them to recognize pornography—including provocative ads, which can provide an easy online gateway—and what to do if they encounter something inappropriate: close the computer and tell you immediately.
2. Evaluate Routines at Home
Sometimes, we avoid these conversations because of personal failures. Guilt and shame tempt us to think we’re disqualified. By God’s grace, we can walk in the forgiveness Jesus offers, and model a Spirit-driven life that honors him. This requires us to examine our own habits and what we look at, read, and even listen to. Does it honor God and his standard? Is any of it pornographic? What habits do we need to repent of and put off so we can help our children pursue purity?
More specifically, consider your family’s online use and what routines need adjustment. For example:
- Require everyone to use screens in communal places, never in private spaces.
- Require your children to ask permission before going online. As they mature and demonstrate integrity, gradually loosen this restriction during their high school years.
- Teach kids how to navigate online searches safely and exactly what to do if they encounter something obscene.
- Keep devices out of bedrooms. If a computer is necessary for schoolwork, require the door to remain open and have children do online research in a common space.
- Evaluate your personal tech use and habits. Do you want your kids to imitate or avoid your own patterns? Remember that your kids will mimic the example you set.
3. Encourage Relationships
We’re battling a culture that tells our kids to avoid their parents and turn to devices for answers. Relationship is the best defense. It does us all good to put down our devices and prioritize time together, regardless of our kids’ ages. Foster a relationship they won’t want to live without—one built on time, trust, and open communication. When questions arise about sex, pornography, or other difficult topics, they’ll be more likely to come to us—and listen to what we have to say.
It’s also important to be a safe place for your kids to confide in. I’ve had to reprimand myself for overreacting when one child confessed to breaking a favorite mug. Even minor infractions are opportunities to teach our children they can confess anything without fearing our response. Do your children trust that they can come to you and admit if they’ve been tempted to look at or read pornography, or if they’ve been using it? Do they believe that you’ll respond with kindness and love, even when their actions require consequences?
If your child does come to you after seeing pornography, your initial response matters. Stay calm, say a silent prayer, and reassure your child that it was good and right to tell you. Ask what happened without interrogating, then determine together what safeguards or next steps are needed.
4. Employ Restraints
Restraints include filters, blocks, and parental controls we put on devices to keep pornography out of our homes. Too often, Christian parents start and end with restraints, forgoing open discussions about sex and pornography, trusting the guardrails are sufficient. While restraints can’t replace uncomfortable discussions, they do play a role in keeping kids safe. Consider layers of protection:
- Each piece of digital technology has its own way to set up blocks and filters. Take time to adjust settings and parental controls on each one.1
- Adjust settings on your home router, or use WiFi filters such as Gryphon or Bark.
- Today’s digital devices can often become pornography machines. Avoid giving children their own smart devices (smartphones, iPads, computers, and similar devices), and consider delaying them even for teens. Consider a “dumb phone” instead. Remember that blocks and filters have limitations and won’t prevent determined kids from accessing inappropriate content.
- Be willing to go counter-cultural (see Romans 12:1-2). I regularly teach my six kids, ages 8–19, that it’s okay to be “the only one who doesn’t _____.” As Christians, we’ll often have to stand alone for what’s right and true. Why not start now? For more ideas and practical help making changes at home, I recommend The Great Tech Reset, by Arlene Pellicane. Summit Ministries offers it for free.
5. Earnestly Request
Guardrails can’t reach the heart. Intentional conversations engage the heart. God alone changes the heart.
Ultimately, the steps we take to protect our kids and teach them how to handle exposure won’t control what their hearts pursue. Wherever we are on our parenting journey, let’s keep praying for our children’s protection and pursuits. By his grace, may they say: “Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways” (Psalm 119:37).
By Rachel Coyle
Want to go deeper? Reclaim your family’s attention for what matters most and help your children love real life with God and others more than the counterfeit world technology offers! Order your free copy of Summit’s newest parenting resource, The Great Tech Reset: Reclaiming Real Life for Christian Families by Arlene Pellicane. Get your copy at techresetbook.com!