Parents of every generation have dreaded having the talk with their children, and it seems even harder now than ever. Thanks to the internet, the talk needs to happen at much younger ages and include topics that no previous generation would have imagined. Parents may feel completely unequipped to discuss the many ideas that young people face today, from sex to gender identity. We’d like to offer an overview of these issues from a biblical perspective to help you navigate these important topics with your children.
Who Am I?
Preteens are on the cusp of adolescence, the transitional period between childhood and adulthood. It’s a time of great physical and emotional change, which can leave young people feeling awkward and self-conscious. They begin asking themselves questions like, Who am I? and Where do I fit in? To help prepare our preteens for this phase, we need to instill in them a good sense of who they are now.
As Christians, we always begin by turning to Scripture.
The Psalmist declared, “you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:13–14). Even when we feel insecure about our looks or our bodies, we can know that God has been overseeing our physical development since we were in our mother’s womb. God’s statements about us and promises to us supersede anything we may feel about ourselves. This is especially important when it comes to gender identity.
After God created the heavens and the earth, the water and seas, and all the animals that roam the planet, God made his most precious creation: us. Genesis 1:27 affirms, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” This one verse reveals very important things about ourselves. First, it says that we are created in God’s image. The Bible doesn’t say this about anything else that God made. Humans are unique in this respect. But what does it mean to be created in God’s image? It means that we are like him in many aspects. We can think and reason, we’re persons with agency, we’re spiritual beings. This also means that we are immensely valuable.
No matter what we think or feel about ourselves, we are the most precious part of God’s creation.
Second, God created humanity male and female. Our sexed nature was not a chance occurrence or an afterthought but part of God’s design. Both males and females equally bear the image of God. Although the sexes differ in many ways, they share the same value and dignity. Therefore, whether we were born male or female, our gender is good and reflects God’s design.
After God created Adam and Eve, he commanded them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth” (Genesis 1:28). Males and females are physically similar in many ways. Each contains the same systems, from the nervous system to the circulatory system. But the main difference is that each sex contains one half of the complete reproductive system. Human reproduction requires one man and one woman, which follows God’s design for marriage. But marriage also serves a greater spiritual purpose by modeling our relationship with Christ (Ephesians 5:31–32). This is why the marriage covenant is so sacred.
Thus, the Bible teaches us that humans are male and female by design. It is not something we discover or decide on our own; our gender is set from the moment of conception. God created us as sexual beings, but sex is reserved only for the marriage union of one male and one female. This gives us the basis for sex and gender, which are good things designed by God.
What’s Wrong with Us?
Sadly, everything goes wrong shortly after God created the first humans. God’s sole restriction on Adam and Eve was that they could not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:17). Eve gave into the serpent’s temptation and ate the forbidden fruit, then offered it to Adam (Genesis 3:6). This disobedient act by Adam and Eve introduced sin into the world, which brought all kinds of pain, suffering, and brokenness.
One way that some people experience this brokenness is through gender confusion. God made us either male or female, both body and mind. But some people feel distress or confusion about their gender. They think that they were born in the wrong body, as a boy who thinks he’s really a girl or the other way around. Many people in our world say that this is okay, that biological sex and gender identity are different things and people are free to identify and express themselves however they wish.
But God designed us for harmony and wholeness, not for us to have a tension between our mind and our body. Our gender identity is rooted in our biological sex. They are the same.
Another way that sin can express itself is through the act of sex. Sex is a good gift from God intended for a man and woman within the bonds of marriage. Any kind of sexual activity outside of those boundaries is sin, whether it is before marriage or outside of marriage. The Bible warns that even looking at someone lustfully is sin, because sin has occurred in our heart (Matthew 5:28). This is like what happened to Eve in the garden. When the serpent tempted her, she thought the tree “was a delight to the eyes” (Genesis 3:6), which then led her to eat it. This is why we must be careful what we allow ourselves to see, from images in movies to pictures on social media.
Adam and Eve’s sin teaches us a very important lesson. It wasn’t just eating a forbidden fruit; it was listening to someone else instead of God. The same can easily happen to us. The world is full of messages about sex and gender that are contrary to God’s word. These messages could come from someone who wishes to harm us, like the serpent deceiving Eve, or a misguided loved one, like Eve offering the fruit to Adam. We must listen to God, no matter what anyone else says. Just as parents set rules and boundaries to protect their children, the same is true of God. As much as parents love their children, God loves them infinitely more. And since he designed us, he knows what is best for us.
Parents may view the talk as an awkward task to help guide our children into adulthood. But we see that it is part of a much larger story: God’s story. God created us male or female, and God created sex. They are good things. But like many good things, they can be broken or used sinfully. And even if we face confusion or make wrong choices, God is always there to comfort us and offer forgiveness.
Parents don’t have to navigate these conversations alone. If you’re looking for help talking with your preteen about these difficult topics, Christopher Yuan’s Holy Sexuality Project for Preteens helps parents and preteens talk together about identity, sex, gender, and relationships from a biblical perspective. Explore the Holy Sexuality Project for Preteens here.